


Solace At Your Door

by oneprotagonistshort



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-14 22:16:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13599540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneprotagonistshort/pseuds/oneprotagonistshort
Summary: A psychic power outage hits Blackwing subjects out of nowhere, but that's fine because Dirk isdefinitelynot psychic. The excessive sleeping, fainting, and nightmares are completely unrelated. He's fine.(he's not fine)





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is dedicated to mango, who like the Greek muses of yore has acted as both my inspiration and my cheerleading squad. This quite definitely would not have happened without her. she also made some AMAZING fanart that you can check out [here](https://78.media.tumblr.com/c0d6357b3f1f1d0037be324d72a14d32/tumblr_p8311sTBhx1qixxezo1_500.png)

It had been a quiet few months at Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. Unusually quiet, even. Todd hated it.

Amanda had left after Wendimoor to tear up SoCal with the Rowdy 3 and experiment with her powers while looking for others like them. She called periodically and occasionally Todd could track her progress via Instagram or miscellaneous news reports about vandalism in the San Diego metropolitan area, but it was weird not seeing her at all after they’d finally mended their fences and bonded again.

All that crazy shit they’d been through had changed her. It had changed them all, really, but between the introduction of the Rowdy 3 and the development of her new powers, her life had been really shaken up, and it showed. The good news was that she was still the amazing person Todd had always known and loved, and she was using all of that crazy shit to help people.

Todd would never forget the first time she’d told him that she and the Rowdy 3 were going to be vigilantes.

“What, like Batman?” he’d asked.

Amanda had laughed over a chorus of boos in the background. “Fuck Batman,” she said. “All that pussy does is cry in the dark about his manpain. We fuck shit _up_.”

As far as Todd could tell they really were dishing out some justice, catching criminals or Nazi sympathizers or Republican congressmen and going all Carrie Underwood on their cars, houses, and occasionally faces. As Vogel would put it, their “privileged male tears” were like a five-star restaurant to him and the boys, and Amanda got to let her inner anarchist go wild. Todd was happy for her, she deserved to have a good time.

They found leads on the others here and there, but Todd didn’t hear much about that. He didn’t know if the radio silence was due to the nature of the stuff they were dealing with or the general infrequency of their communication, but he trusted Amanda to handle it. She was a big girl now, she could take care of herself.

He saw even less of Farah, who after getting shot had finally been convinced to take a vacation for once in her life and was on an extended trip to South America to explore with Lydia. Their days seemed to be split pretty evenly between scenic spas and archaeological sites of historic significance, so they were both getting a lot out of their time together.

She still spent some time on the side using questionably legal methods to monitor various government agencies for red flags relating to their detective work, but they seemed to be off everyone’s radar. Whether that was because of Blackwing or the universe or anyone else, no one could tell.

Todd and Dirk had continued to work the detective agency with Farah’s generous grant. There wasn’t much else they were qualified for, honestly. There definitely wasn’t anything else they wanted to be doing.

The universe had brought them corporate espionage, followed by a brief stint as dog-walkers while they searched for a missing parrot, and an unfortunate month and a half that involved otter waste removal at the Seattle Aquarium. Everything connected in the end, it always did, and Todd was getting used to the idea that he could never reliably know what to expect.

Cases had been getting fewer and farther between, though.

At first a little downtime had been nice; Todd had taught Dirk how to play pool in the back of a dingy bar Dirk didn’t even pretend to like, and Dirk had forced Todd to sit through every episode of The Great British Bake Off he could find.

They’d tried baking, but only once. Dirk had shown up at Todd’s apartment with a single egg and a blowtorch and had insisted they make crème brûlée. Todd agreed on the condition that Dirk would stop trying to speak in a French accent, because he sounded like a pug eating yogurt. By the end of the day no one had eaten anything, Dirk was covered in sugar, and one of Todd’s eyebrows had been singed off. They stuck to takeout and cereal after that.

At first, the cases had just started getting less exciting. Corporate espionage and pet ransom turned into mild vandalism and shoplifting, and while the security guards at the local mall were enjoying the extra help, it didn’t quite have the same thrill to it. Eventually the stream of creation became a trickle, and Todd had a nagging suspicion that it might have slowed to a drip.

“Maybe the universe just wants us to take a break,” Todd said over a bowl of cereal on a generally normal-seeming morning.

“Todd, that’s literally never happened,” Dirk responded as he took the box of Crunch Berries for himself. He’d become obsessed with American cereal and Todd half-expected him to apply for a green card just to better declare his loyalty to it.

Todd wasn’t actually sure what Dirk’s immigration paperwork looked like. He made a mental note to have Farah check it out just in case. The last thing they needed was a deportation hearing.

“You have to admit it’s been a while,” Todd said. “I don’t think that last one was even technically a case, we just kind of watched security ask that drunk guy to leave the Burger King.”

Dirk scoffed. “Yeah, but if we weren’t there would he have been asked to leave?”

“He poured Diet Coke onto his chicken nuggets and then threw them at the wall,” Todd said, and Dirk stared at him as if to say _...and?_ “The security guard was two feet away, we had literally nothing to do with that.”

Pouting into his cereal, Dirk reluctantly agreed. “The universe is… taking its time,” he said. “I do still think we should go back to the mall tonight, though. I have a hunch it’s the place to be.”

Todd took his bowl off his desk and stood up. “Does this have anything to do with the new frozen yogurt place that opens today?” he asked, and laughed when Dirk couldn’t make himself look innocent fast enough. “Whatever, I could go for ice cream or a case, come get me when you want to leave for either.”

He drained the leftover milk out of the bowl before heading upstairs. The office Farah had gotten for them was on the second floor of a three-story building, and once The Ridgely was officially no longer an option, she bought the whole building for “security reasons.” Todd wasn’t 100% sure it had been strictly necessary, but he had a sweet new apartment on the third floor and Dirk had moved into the one at street level so he didn’t go out of his way to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Despite technically living in separate apartments, both Todd and Dirk had made the office their second home. More often than not they could be found there, eating whatever food was vaguely appropriate for the time of day or making elaborate structures out of a deck of Uno cards or trying to see how far away Todd could get before Dirk stopped being able to throw M&Ms into his mouth.

When they had cases they’d discuss them there, but it had been a long time.

*

Unsurprisingly, Dirk was at Todd’s door about 20 minutes prior to the opening of the hipster new frozen yogurt place that was just called “ _jógúrt”_ as if having an unpronounceable Icelandic name would mean their particular generic frozen desserts had anything special about them to set them aside from every other ice cream place in the city. Todd hated them on principle, but they’d been advertising a peanut butter flavor and Dirk wanted to try it, so Todd was getting dragged along.

“I still don’t get why you only like peanut butter when it’s cold,” Todd said as they made their way to the mall. It was a longer walk and normally Todd would have suggested driving, but it was a nice afternoon and walking with Dirk had seemed like a better option.

“I’m telling you, Todd,” Dirk said, “put it in the freezer. It’s like ice cream.”

Todd looked at Dirk sideways. “You can’t just buy peanut butter ice cream?”

“It’s not the same,” Dirk insisted, and even though he hadn’t tacked on the word _“obviously”_ at the end, it was heavily implied. “Besides, this isn’t about frozen yogurt, it’s about my hunch. The mall is the place to be tonight, I can feel it.”

Todd looked back at where he was going, the sidewalks in this neighborhood weren’t great and he wasn’t totally sure he could afford a broken arm like the one he’d gotten two streets over when he was 14. He wasn’t actually sure if they had insurance at all, let alone what it covered. He’d email Farah as soon as he got home.

He decided that for now it was probably easier to just let it go. “Lead the way,” he said, as if it was ever anyone but Dirk doing the leading. Dirk had started to say something back, but tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, flailed wildly, and fell halfway into the street. Once Todd knew he was okay, he said, “Universe didn’t tell you that was coming?”

“Ha ha,” Dirk said sarcastically, righting himself. “We both know that’s not how it works so really the one who looks like an idiot right now is you.” Todd noticed a tense stiffness when he stood up that didn’t seem to be from the fall, but before he could comment on it Dirk was already marching on towards the mall.

*

The stream of creation, it seemed, was running nowhere near them that night. Todd followed Dirk around for two hours without anything happening. They went in and out of almost every store there, some multiple times, and Dirk was acting shady enough that if they hadn’t just spent a month busting a shoplifting ring someone would have called security.

Finally, he came to a stop in the food court. “Maybe I did just want frozen yogurt,” he said, frowning and looking so disappointed that Todd couldn’t even be mad about wasting his night doing nothing in the mall like the kids he’d made fun of in middle school.

“Come on,” Todd said, pulling out his wallet, “let’s go get some _jógúrt._ I could use a snack.”

Dirk laughed, and Todd felt himself reflecting the smile. “I’m sorry, Todd,” he said, “but that is categorically not how that is pronounced.”

“What, you speak Icelandic?” Todd asked, not caring about linguistics enough to feel defensive. “Do they even eat frozen yogurt in Iceland?”

“Isn’t all yogurt frozen in Iceland?”

“I thought Greenland was the cold one.”

“Come on Todd, that doesn’t make any sense.”

The line at the store, mercifully, was only partially out the door.

*

Later they found a bench outside and ate their overpriced but admittedly excellent frozen yogurt while the sun set over the parking lot. Todd was pretty sure the flavor of berry he’d gotten didn’t actually exist, but he didn’t know enough about Icelandic pomology to feel comfortable calling it out and was enjoying it nonetheless. Dirk had saved the gummy bears for last and was fishing them out of the bottom of the cup with his spoon.

“Not bad for a hunch-free day,” Todd said, polishing off the last of his own cup.

Dirk stiffened minutely, and okay, maybe Todd hadn’t imagined that he was a little tense. He played it off as brain freeze as if no one would notice, and Todd realized that there was no one else who _would_ notice something like that. He knew Dirk’s tells, and he knew something was up.

Once again, Dirk was in motion before he could say anything. He grabbed both of their cups and tossed them in a nearby trash bin and said, “I guess they can’t all be winners, and really, with frozen yogurt like that there are no losers. Home?”

“Sounds good to me,” Todd said, shrugging it off and joining him. Home sounded good.

The walk back to their building was pleasant but more or less uneventful, a feeling that Todd was starting to get used to again. He’d spent most of his life in an uninteresting haze of doing nothing important ever, but when Dirk showed up things had changed so quickly and so drastically that he’d almost forgotten what it was like before. Todd’s life was broken up into pre-Dirk and post-Dirk, and it had been a long time since he hadn’t needed to anticipate getting abducted on the way home from the mall.

Dirk was unlocking the front door of their building when Todd asked if he wanted a beer.

“I’m actually quite knackered,” Dirk said, pulling the door open. “I think I’ll pass tonight.”

That was different. Dirk had never turned down an offer to drink in Todd’s apartment before, he’d even started keeping the disgusting sour beer Dirk liked on hand.

“Oh,” he said, clearly not prepared for a rejection. “Okay. I guess I’ll call Amanda?”

If Dirk noticed his surprise, he didn’t say anything. He breezed through the entrance and paused at his apartment’s door. “That sounds nice,” he said. “I do think you phone her too much though. It’s not like she’s out there skydiving or hang gliding or anything. I’m sure she’s fine.”

“She’s a vigilante,” Todd said. “I probably don’t call her _enough_. Two weeks ago she and the Rowdy 3 spray-painted threes all over Dean Heller’s house in Nevada.”

“See?” Dirk said, struggling with his keys. “Vandalism, rebellion, rock and roll, it’s what they do best. And if it keeps those hooligans far away from me I can’t say I mind. You know I’m loathe to defend them, but they’ll take care of her.”

Todd couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “She made one of the threes into a _penis_ . It was on the hood of his _car_. The Secret Service is saying it was the work of a cult!”

“I mean,” Dirk said hesitantly, “what _is_ a cult though?” He finally found the right key on the ring that had way more keys than it probably should and slid it into his lock. Todd would have to ask about it later, it seemed like kind of a ridiculous amount of keys.

“My sister is not in a _cult_ , Dirk.”

Dirk opened his door and slipped inside, avoiding opening it all the way, but Todd was too incensed to notice. “Whatever you say, Todd,” he said hastily. “Goodnight!”

The sound of the door locking behind him echoed in the now-empty hallway and Todd made his way up the stairs feeling mildly uneasy. He didn’t know why he felt so weird about Dirk not wanting to hang out, he knew logically that Dirk was capable of being tired, it just wasn’t an excuse he’d ever used before. The worst part was that it _felt_ like an excuse; not dishonesty exactly, but not the whole truth either.

Todd was trying to shake the feeling when Amanda called.

“Hey sis,” he said into the phone. “This is so weird, I was just about to call you.”

“Whatever, dipshit,” she said, sounding too fond to really mean it. “I have a question for you.”

Kicking his shoes off, Todd tucked his phone into the crook of his neck while he pulled a beer out of the fridge. “What’s up?” he asked, impulsively grabbing one of Dirk’s.

Amanda paused for a second, which made Todd nervous. Amanda was never hesitant, not anymore. “Is Dirk acting… weird?”

“Weird how?” Todd asked, wondering if Dirk turning down free beer counted as weird. He took a sip of the one in his hands and winced. Maybe it wasn’t _that_ weird.

“Something’s happening. With us,” Amanda said, clearly trying not to make Todd nervous in a way that definitely made him more nervous. “Martin says it’s like his batteries are draining too fast for him to charge up again. Even when they feed off my energy it’s not really enough, and my visions keep slipping away before I can get a grip on what they are.”

Todd frowned and said, “I’ll talk to him.” He didn’t know what was going on, if anything even was, but he didn’t like it.

He could hear Amanda’s matching frown through the phone. “He’s not there right now?”

“Yeah, he didn’t want to hang out. He was… tired. Wait, why do you just assume he’s always with me?”

Amanda laughed. “‘Cause he usually is,” she said, and then there was static and the sound of shouting. “Gotta go, Todd. Love you!”

“Are those guard dogs?” Todd asked over barking in the background. “What are you doing?”

“Bye Todd!” was all he heard before the click of the line disconnecting.

He drank the rest of his disgusting sour beer by himself, flipping through his suggested videos on YouTube. Before he knew it it was midnight, and he reluctantly went to bed.

*

In the morning he found Dirk making instant oatmeal in the kitchen in the office. Farah had had an electrician remove the stove weeks ago, apparently there were only so many hikes in their insurance that four million dollars could take, and the insurance company had agreed to a lower rate once it was gone. Todd blamed Dirk for the crème brûlée incident, but didn’t object since they got to keep their own ovens if they really wanted them. Farah just trusted, accurately, that they wouldn’t use them in their own homes.

“Have you seen this?” Dirk asked. “I found it at the grocery store. Dinosaur eggs oatmeal, how great is that? I feel like a breakfast archaeologist.”

Todd forgot sometimes that there were things he took for granted having had a relatively normal childhood compared to Dirk. Stuff that he considered a nostalgic throwback was new and exciting to the guy who’d spent the prime ‘90s years as a medical test subject.

The thought made Todd sad, so he didn’t say anything when Dirk stirred even more sugar into the bowl.

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked when Dirk stifled a yawn. “Like, nothing weird?”

Dirk shoveled a spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth. “My entire life is weird, Todd,” he said. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“Like, weirder than usual weird,” Todd said, rolling his eyes. “Amanda says there’s a weird psychic thing happening, she and the Rowdy 3 have all been super drained lately.”

He didn’t miss the way Dirk’s shoulders tightened or the way the joints in his left hand popped a little when he flexed it. Todd kicked himself mentally, he should have known better than to use the psy-word.

“It’s a good thing I’m not psychic then,” Dirk said tersely, setting his bowl down on the counter. “If you’ll excuse me, I have some things to look after downstairs.”

He left all at once, leaving his breakfast uneaten and leaving Todd very confused.

*

Todd decided to leave Dirk alone for the day, thinking it might be better to let him cool down than to try to force him to talk about something he was clearly trying to avoid. Dirk always came around eventually. Still, when dinnertime came and went without so much as a peep from downstairs, Todd decided to do his job and investigate.

He grabbed some Chinese food that was at the tail end of freshness out of the fridge and made his way downstairs to Dirk’s apartment. There wasn’t any noise coming from behind the door, which at the very least meant Dirk hadn’t fallen into another Avril Lavigne spiral. Todd wasn’t sure he would ever forgive Spotify for instigating _that_.

Knocking on the door, Todd raised his voice a little and said, “Dirk? Don’t hate me dude, come on. I brought leftovers from last weekend!”

No response.

Todd tested the knob and the door opened easily; apparently Dirk had forgotten to lock it. He pushed it open and ventured inside slowly. “Dirk?” he called, and rounded a corner to see Dirk, dressed exactly as he had been that morning, completely motionless on the couch.

His heart skipped a beat, then two, and he only remembered to breathe when Dirk shifted and rubbed at his eyes blearily. Amanda’s phone call had made him way too paranoid, obviously Dirk was fine. Who wasn’t guilty of a few afternoon naps?

“Todd?” Dirk asked, sitting up and trying to look alert. He took a look at Todd and the bag he was carrying and said, “You didn’t need to bring me food, I just had breakfast.”

He looked confused, and Todd was worried when he asked, “Breakfast? Dirk, that was hours ago. What time do you think it is?”

Blinking, Dirk looked around his dim apartment and seemed to realize the sun had gone down. “Oh,” he said. “Bugger, I must have fallen asleep.”

Todd chuckled and sat down next to him, setting the food down on the coffee table. “Happens to the best of us,” he said, trying hard not to think about Amanda asking him if Dirk was acting weird. Todd had never known him to spend an entire day asleep, but maybe he was getting the flu or something. Even holistic detectives got sick, right?

Dirk smiled and nodded and they reheated the Chinese food and things seemed normal for a few hours, but it wasn’t long before Dirk started nodding off where he was sitting.

“Hey,” Todd said gently after the tenth time Dirk had needed to shake himself awake. “Maybe you should go to bed?”

Dirk agreed with minimal objections, and getting him into bed wasn’t hard considering he was still in his pajamas. He was asleep before Todd could say goodnight.

*

If Dirk was still feeling weird the next day, it didn’t stop him from barging into Todd’s apartment at 7am. Todd hadn’t locked his front door in weeks; Dirk always managed to get in if he needed to regardless, and with only the two of them in the building it didn’t really matter much.

Dirk woke Todd up to the smell of coffee and a pile of clothes that was dropped on his head.

“Rise and shine, Todd,” Dirk said as Todd woke up with a start, shaking a pair of jeans off his face.

“Jesus,” Todd said, throwing a balled up pair of socks at Dirk in retaliation. “You’re awful chipper this morning, I take it your power nap charged you up?”

Dirk’s smile flickered, but he covered it well enough that Todd almost didn’t notice. “Just a bit of beauty rest,” he said. “Nothing to worry about. Now come on, get dressed. We have a busy day ahead of us.” Todd reached for the coffee, but Dirk held it away from him. “Get dressed, and then you can have this.”

Fortunately Dirk left him to get dressed by himself, taking what Todd could tell was the hyper-caffeinated Death Wish coffee they both loved with him. Todd put on the clothes Dirk had picked out for him; they were close enough to what he would have worn anyway and Dirk was always so proud of himself when he picked out something Todd liked.

Dirk dressed him a lot actually, if Todd really thought about it. Definitely more than anyone else in his life ever had. Still, he got a chuckle out of the novelty corgi socks Dirk had found in a department store during one of their shoplifting cases. Todd tugged them on and decided not to think about it after all.

He walked into the kitchen, gratefully accepting his coffee, and asked, “What’s the plan?”

“I have a really good feeling about the color yellow,” Dirk said, and he was so excited that Todd had to hide his disappointment. “Yellow” wasn’t a particularly specific lead, even less so than they’d been getting lately. Still, Dirk seemed to know what he was doing and Todd had accepted a while ago that he’d follow Dirk off a cliff if that was where the universe wanted them to go.

He grabbed his keys, pulled on his shoes, and followed Dirk out the door.

*

It was a frustrating day from the start. They spent the morning in a toy store checking out a truly alarming number of Minions toys before getting lunch under the golden arches of the nearest McDonald’s. They hit up six different grocery stores in the afternoon, rummaging through the yellow produce and looking for anything that might point to a case. Dirk also broke into two construction sites to look at the yellow machinery and safety gear, until a very angry security guard put an end to that.

They ate banana splits for dinner, but more because Todd was trying to cheer up an increasingly despondent Dirk than because they thought the bananas would lead them anywhere.

They found themselves in Dirk’s apartment that night, and Dirk ignored all of the furniture in favor of sprawling out on his living room floor. Todd was feeding him some bullshit about having better luck tomorrow when Dirk interrupted.

“Hold on,” he said, reaching under his couch and tugging on something. He wrestled with it for a second, but eventually pulled out his yellow jacket. “I thought I’d lost this,” he said, frowning down at it.

Todd realized he hadn’t seen Dirk wear it in a while. “Maybe the universe wanted you to find it,” he suggested, which only made Dirk frown harder.

He turned the jacket over in his hands. “I was so sure I had a lead,” he said, looking disappointed enough that Todd sat down on the floor next to him.

“It might still go somewhere,” he said gently, but even as he said it he knew Dirk didn’t believe him. “Look, come upstairs and drink with me. We can figure out what to do next.”

Dirk shook his head. “Thanks Todd, but I think I should stay here and work on this on my own.”

Todd wasn’t sure why that stung; of course Dirk was allowed to do things by himself, it was just that he usually didn’t.

“Oh,” he said. “Okay, just… text me or something. If you need me, or whatever. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Dirk said, still staring at his jacket. Todd could tell he was already lost in his own head and showed himself out.

*

The next three weeks fell into a similar pattern: disappointing leads that went nowhere came and went with long stretches of nothing in between. Dirk would disappear from time to time, and even thought it was only ever for a few hours at a time, Todd caught himself sticking even closer to his best friend than he usually did.

Eventually Dirk seemed to accept that the stream of creation had abandoned them for now and they started spending more time in the office than out of it. Todd was pretty sure Dirk was going to wear a hole into the floor with the way he was pacing around, but he didn’t say anything. It was actually a little unnerving to see Dirk so unsettled. He usually had so much confidence that he’d end up wherever the universe wanted to him to be, but Todd wondered privately if the universe was even speaking to him anymore.

Todd had tried to talk about it again, but Dirk wouldn’t even discuss the idea that his psychic powers might be draining. He steadfastly insisted he wasn’t psychic, so it didn’t matter what Amanda had said. Dirk was so distressed by just the conversation that Todd dropped it. Todd knew Dirk’s walls could go up quickly if he needed them to; he’d been protecting himself from a lot worse than Todd for a very long time.

So Todd didn’t ask, and Dirk didn’t say anything, and they didn’t talk about it.

Todd didn’t know how to make Dirk see that this time was different because Todd was there to help protect him.

*

Equally unnerving was the silence from Amanda. Todd hadn’t talked to her since the call about Dirk, after which she’d gone quiet. The Instagram she’d been running for the Rowdy 3 hadn’t updated in weeks, and Todd stayed up late more than one night checking police blotters to see if any congressmen had had their cars stolen under suspicious circumstances. He never found anything, not even any vaguely-rowdy graffiti.

He tried calling her a few times, but only ever got her voicemail. It wasn’t unusual for her to not answer her phone, and she’d gone off the grid a few times before, so that in itself wasn’t necessarily an indicator that something was wrong.

Something was definitely wrong, though. Todd could feel it as acutely as he could feel one of his pararibulitis attacks, which had been coming less and less frequently since all of this had started. He wasn’t exactly complaining that he’d been attack-free for two weeks, but there was no way it was a coincidence that all of this was happening at the same time.

Todd tried calling Amanda again after he realized he’d lost count of how many times Dirk had turned down hanging out in favor of sulking quietly in his apartment. He was so surprised when she actually answered that he forgot what he was going to say and dropped his phone.

He picked it up quickly and said, “Amanda, hey, are you alright?”

“Why?” Amanda asked, sounding cagey. “Is something wrong? How’s Dirk?”

“I don’t know!” Todd said, “Something’s not right but I have no idea what’s happening. We haven’t done anything holistic in weeks and I’m really worried about him and I’m worried about you and all this other weird shit I don’t understand. Tell me what’s going on.”

Amanda sighed and sounded more exhausted than exasperated, which just made Todd worry more. “You’re right,” she said. “Something’s happening. We don’t know much about it either but it’s hitting us pretty hard. The boys can still feed off of my energy but it just leaves me cold, and I haven’t had a vision in weeks. The pararibulitis attacks have stopped and all of us just feel really… disconnected. It’s kind of messed up.”

“Jesus,” Todd said. “So what do we do?”

“We’re investigating,” Amanda said. “Farah’s on it too, I called her earlier today. She can’t get back to Seattle any time soon so you have to take care of Dirk.”

Todd ran a hand over his face. “Okay,” he said. “What do you want us to do here?”

“Sit tight,” Amanda said. “If Dirk’s holistic detecting is messed up it’s probably not a good idea for you guys to try to detect anything.”

“Fine,” Todd said. He didn’t like that, and he knew Dirk wouldn’t either, but for now it was easier to just agree. He could figure out how to ignore her later. “How am I supposed to take care of Dirk though? I’m a fucking disaster, I can barely keep myself alive let alone deal with a psychic power outage.”

“You used to take care of me,” Amanda said, and Todd felt a white-hot pang of guilt stab him in the gut. “You were pretty good at it when you weren’t lying through your teeth. I think you can handle Dirk Gently until we figure this out.”

Todd sighed. “Okay,” he said. “But please no more radio silence? I need to know what you know so I can help if I’m able to.” He vaguely registered the sound of someone at his door, but he ignored it in favor of talking to Amanda.

“I’ll call you when I can,” Amanda said. “Just take care of you guys and don’t let Dirk do anything stupid.”

He was about to ask what she meant by that when the noise of his doorknob trying to turn became too much for him to disregard. He crossed his apartment with his phone still held up to his ear and unlocked his door.

Dirk was on the other side, looking pale and a little unsteady. “You never lock your door,” he said, and Todd realized he was right. He didn’t know why he’d locked it tonight but apparently the universe wasn’t telling Dirk how to get in anymore.

“Is that Dirk?” Amanda asked. “How is he?”

“I’m talking to Amanda,” Todd said to Dirk. “She says something bad is happening. How do you feel?”

Dirk answered that question by passing out cold in the middle of the hallway.


	2. II

Todd dimly registered the sound of his phone hitting the floor as he fell to his knees next to Dirk in the hallway. His entire world narrowed to focus on whether or not Dirk was still alive. He checked him for signs of life; he was breathing, thank god, and his pulse was quick but definitely still there. At least some of the panic subsided and Todd was able to remember to tell Amanda what was happening.

“Hello?” she was saying, mostly to dead air, through the phone. “Todd? What happened?”

“Hey, hey, I’m here,” Todd said, snatching his phone off the floor without standing up to move away from Dirk. “Dirk just like, passed out. He’s not dead or anything but he’s out cold. I’ll call you back later, I love you, bye!”

Todd shoved his phone in his pocket. Amanda was going to be furious at him for hanging up on her, but this was more important. He could update her later, for now he just had to wake Dirk up. Trying very hard not to wonder if the same thing could happen to his sister, he shook Dirk lightly.

No reaction.

Shaking him a little harder, Todd said, “Dirk? Hey, you need to wake up. Come on, Dirk. Wake up!”

Todd’s raised voice must have reached him somewhere, because Dirk shifted a little, taking a deep breath in and trying to roll over. Todd let him go but stayed right behind, shaking his shoulder just a little more.

Dirk grumbled softly and mumbled, “No more tests, I’m tired,” and Todd felt his heart break just a little bit. He only knew a some of what they’d done to Dirk at Blackwing, and he was afraid to find out if this was because of them too.

“Come on Dirk, get up. Please?”

Dirk’s eyes flew open and he was awake all at once, sitting bolt upright and looking vaguely alarmed in Todd’s general direction.

“Why are we on the floor?” he asked. “Did we fall? Or did I fall and you acted like you fell too so I’d be less embarrassed? I know you do that and it’s sweet, really, but you’re a _terrible_ actor, and what’s that look on your face? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Todd sighed in relief and sat back on his heels. “Dude, you passed out. You don’t remember?”

Dirk furrowed his brow as he looked around. “Yes,” he said slowly. “I suppose I must have. Do you by any chance recall what I was doing before I passed out?”

So he didn’t remember, at least not really. “I was talking to Amanda,” Todd said, “and she was saying something bad was happening with her and the Rowdy 3 and then you just showed up and fainted.”

“I wouldn’t say I _fainted_ ,” Dirk scoffed. “That’s a bit dramatic. Momentary lapse in consciousness maybe, but I didn’t _faint_.”

“That’s what fainting is, Dirk.”

“Right,” Dirk said, frowning. He paused and looked around again, and said a bit sheepishly, “Do you mind if I come in?”

*

Todd helped Dirk into his apartment, wondering when Dirk had started needing permission to come in, and settled him on the couch. He grabbed a blanket off the back and awkwardly wrapped it around Dirk’s shoulders. Shock blankets were a thing, right? They always seemed to help the victims on Law & Order. Those blankets were a bit more dignified though; the one currently wrapped around Dirk had been purchased second-hand during a period of hipster irony and had a print of Pikachu on it. Todd had since gotten over the irony but kept the blanket anyway. It was warm, and he liked it.

Dirk seemed to appreciate it at least, pulling it more tightly around him. It wasn’t even particularly cold, so it must have been comforting. It was strange seeing Dirk, who sometimes seemed larger than life, looking so small sitting on his couch wrapped in a Pokémon blanket. It would have been kind of funny under different circumstances.

Todd sat down next to Dirk, who was looking everywhere but at him and trying to act like he wasn’t. “Are you okay?” he asked, and Dirk finally looked at him, which was a win even if it was a pointed look in response to the question. “Right. Obviously not.”

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Dirk finally admitted. “At first I thought I was getting… I don’t know, the flu or something. Measles. Tuberculosis. _Anything_ but this. When you said the Rowdy 3 were being affected I didn’t want to believe it but you were right, it’s an ‘us’ thing.”

He used air quotes around the word “us” to indicate exactly what he thought of being lumped in with the Rowdy 3. Todd understood why he tried to keep himself separate from them. He didn’t know what to say, so he wrapped an arm around Dirk’s shoulders instead. It seemed like the right thing to do, which was confirmed when Dirk sighed and leaned into Todd’s side.

Todd was terrible at comforting people, he knew this, but he tried anyway. “It’s going to be okay,” he said somewhat stiffly, and then, “We’ll figure it out.”

“We might not,” Dirk said with clarity that bordered on calm. It made Todd nervous. “If this is only happening to Blackwing subjects it’s either something they couldn’t stop, which is bad, or something they’re doing on purpose, which is worse.”

Todd hadn’t considered the possibility that the psychic power outage might be an attack and not an accident or illness or some of their other usual bullshit. “What about Mona?”

Dirk sighed. “She’s on my desk downstairs. I’ve tried talking to her but she hasn’t been answering. Not that she ever answers, but this time I can’t tell if it’s because she doesn’t want to or if it’s because she’s stuck like that.”

It was a fair point, Mona rarely outright communicated with them, generally preferring to observe. Todd didn’t know if whatever was happening would trap her in her current form or just turn her into it permanently. He stopped himself there. This wasn’t permanent, they were going to fix it.

“We’re gonna fix this,” he said, fortunately sounding more sincere as he pulled Dirk in close to his side. “We’re Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. Crazy shit like this? It’s our forte.”

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because Dirk sagged against him in what felt like defeat. “I’m not very holistic these days,” he said.

“That’s why it’s good that I’m the real genius. You’re just the pretty frontman,” Todd said.

Dirk snorted into his shoulder and said, “You seriously think I’m pretty?”

“Seriously! You know we don’t keep you around just because you’re holistic, right?”

Dirk pulled back, the look on his face too genuine to be anything but actual disbelief.

“Wait,” Todd said. “Do you really think we only keep you around because you’re holistic?”

Dirk didn’t get a chance to answer because his phone started ringing from his jacket pocket. Todd hated his ringtone, it was the same stupid “Hello Moto” jingle that had come pre-installed on every Motorola manufactured in the early 2000s. The reason Dirk was using it was because he’d broken his smartphone three weeks ago and under his current contract a pink Motorola Razr was all he could afford until he was eligible for an upgrade in two months. They’d laughed about the jingle for 20 minutes when he first got it, but it had gotten old really, _really_ quickly. 

“Amanda?” Dirk said into the phone. “Yes, I’m alright. He’s right here. Yes.” There was a pause. “Yes.” Another. “No.” Another. “Maybe? I don’t know, just ask him.” He handed the phone over to Todd and collapsed back into the couch, clearly already tired out by the conversation.

“Hey,” Todd said into the phone. “What-”

“Fuck you,” Amanda said. “Wait, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Except yes I did because how could you just tell me Dirk passed out and then hang up and stop answering your phone?”

Todd frowned. “My phone hasn’t been ringing.”

“I’ve called you like 20 times,” Amanda said. “Straight to voicemail. You get how that’s a little alarming, right?”

Todd pulled his phone out of his pocket and hit the home button. Nothing happened. “My battery was at 2%,” he said. “It must have died, hold on, I’ll go plug it in.” He stood up and made for his bedroom to get his charger, but looked back at Dirk who was now alone on the couch with Pikachu. Dirk must have been able to see his concern, because he gave Todd a weary thumbs-up before tilting sideways to lie down. Todd closed his bedroom door behind him so that the sound of them talking wouldn’t bother Dirk if he wanted to rest.

“Dirk’s really out of it,” he said, keeping his voice low. “At first he was just acting weirder than usual and sleeping a lot but I’ve never seen him like this. I think he thinks Blackwing is trying to kill him.”

“Shit,” said Amanda. “I didn’t think of that. I’ll talk to the boys and see what they think. Farah will probably be calling you soon too, she might know more about what Blackwing is doing these days by then.”

Todd ran his free hand down his face. Things had been going so well, but it was all starting to fall apart again. “Okay,” he said. There wasn’t much else he could do.

“Okay,” Amanda echoed. “I’ll call you soon. I love you.”

“Love you too, sis,” Todd said, and hung up.

When he walked back into the living room, Dirk was out cold on the couch. Todd considered moving him, making him get up and change out of his clothes, but decided against it. If Dirk needed to sleep, Todd would let him sleep. They’d figure it out in the morning.

He changed into his own pajamas and got in bed, but left the bedroom door open. He could see the vague outline of Dirk’s form on the couch in the dim light of the streetlamps, and reassured that he was still there, Todd went to sleep.

*

Dirk was still there when he woke up the next day, but he was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt that Todd recognized as belonging to him. At some point during the night he must have woken up, but instead of going downstairs to his own apartment, he’d stolen Todd’s clothes and gotten back on the couch. It was the kind of thing that would have annoyed Todd in the early days of their friendship, but now he just rolled with it. It was just a fact of life when Dirk was around, and he liked having Dirk around, so why object? That didn’t necessarily explain the way Todd’s chest clenched whenever he saw Dirk in his clothes, but he tried not to dwell on it.

Todd figured the very least he could do was get them both something to eat. Fortunately he still had his stove, and he turned it on for the first time ever to make breakfast. The pancakes were from a WalMart pre-made mix that only required the addition of water, and he’d microwaved the bacon rather than mess with any kind of grease, but it smelled good. He was transferring the eggs from the skillet to a plate when Dirk walked in.

“You cooked,” Dirk said, looking around like he thought he might still be dreaming. “And nothing’s on fire?”

“You know I am occasionally capable of feeding myself,” Todd said, gesturing for Dirk to sit down and joining him when he did. “Things usually only burst into flame when you’re there.”

Dirk smiled and starting helping himself to the food, and the noise he made when he tried the eggs made Todd mildly uncomfortable for reasons he couldn’t quite explain.

“I take it they’re good?”

“Incredible,” Dirk said around a second mouthful. “I had no idea you could cook.”

Todd laughed into his pancakes. “I can’t,” he admitted, “but breakfast was always Amanda’s favorite so I started making it for her. Even once we got older I’d always keep stuff for bacon and eggs and pancakes on hand, just in case. I cheated with the bacon and pancakes, but the eggs are the one thing I can consistently make well.”

“Thank you, Todd,” Dirk said sincerely, his eyes and smile both soft and impossibly fond. Todd cleared his throat and looked away and didn’t say anything else, but he could tell Dirk knew how happy it made him that Dirk liked his stupid eggs. Even with all the crazy bullshit that was happening, Dirk knew how to read him.

*

They were cleaning up when Todd commented on Dirk’s clothes. “So, you’re a big fan of Halcyon Fields?” he said, referencing the band t-shirt Dirk was wearing. “I didn’t think you would have heard of them.”

Dirk blushed and busied himself with the dishwasher. “I’m from England, Todd,” he scoffed, “not Mars.” He knew he was busted though, and added, “I woke up at around 4am and my belt was threatening to eviscerate me. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“I don’t,” Todd was quick to reassure him, probably a little quicker than was called for. He genuinely didn’t, which was something he’d reflect on later. He’d never been good at sharing, but seeing Dirk in his worn Halcyon Fields shirt was doing something to him. “You know I got that shirt at a concert I went to with Amanda? It was the last one we saw together before everything went sideways.”

Dirk’s eyes went wide. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” he said, pulling at the hem. “I’ll get a different one, this one is too special.”

“Hey, no,” Todd said, stopping Dirk before he could leave the kitchen. “It looks good on you, you should wear it.”

The smile that lit up Dirk’s face was the brightest Todd had seen in a while.

*

At some point they had agreed to spend the entire day doing nothing at all. They grabbed their laptops from the office and then camped out on Todd’s couch, trading off who got to pick what movie they’d play in the background. Graciously, Todd let Dirk pick first only to be totally betrayed when he chose Titanic. Todd had seen it when it came out along with everyone else in the world, but hadn’t really given it much thought since. Dirk protested that he’d never seen it at all, and eventually Todd relented, retreating into a game of minesweeper as the movie opened.

He wasn’t sure at what point the movie went from background noise to the main attraction, but by the time Jack was kissing Rose on the bow of the ship they were both completely wrapped up. The scene in the car made Todd feel like he was having a heart attack or a pararibulitis attack or _something_ , because he couldn’t quite remember how to breathe. It passed, but right around the time Rose was reminding Jack, “you jump, I jump, right?” Todd became aware that his chest felt uncomfortably tight. One glance at Dirk staring wide-eyed at the TV only made it worse. He pulled minesweeper back up and didn’t look away again until Rose was reunited with Jack on the grand staircase.

As the credits rolled, Todd valiantly ignored the sniffles from the other side of the couch in favor of queueing up the original Ghostbusters, a childhood favorite that didn’t have any particular romantic implications. Fortunately that lightened the mood, and they alternated picking movies for the rest of the day, deliberately avoiding anything too serious.

Eventually the sun went down and they finished the pizza they’d had delivered for dinner and the chocolate cake they’d added onto the order for dessert, and Todd caught Dirk starting to fall asleep. He’d nodded off a few times during the day, which was strange; Dirk had the perpetual manic energy of a kitten on speed, but suddenly he couldn’t keep his eyes open for more than a few hours at a time.

“I’m going to go to bed,” Todd said, stretching his arms out and setting his laptop on the other side of the wall of beer bottles that had built up on the coffee table over the course of the day.

Dirk shifted where he was sprawled out on the other 80% of the couch. “Right,” he said. “Well, thank you. For breakfast, and pizza, and the crash course on the Transformers movies. I should probably just… go back downstairs.”

The way he cringed when referring to the Transformers movies that he clearly hadn’t enjoyed made Todd laugh, but the way he hesitated when he talked about going back to his own apartment made Todd pause. He seemed afraid to be alone.

The realization that Dirk was probably still terrified from yesterday hit him like a brick wall, and the realization that he didn’t want Dirk to go hit him a second later.

“Why don’t you stay here?” Todd asked, making the offer before he knew what he was doing. “You can hang out on the couch again.”

Relief flooded Dirk’s features and he said, “That sounds fantastic,” and Todd knew he’d said the right thing for once in his life.

They moved the beer bottles and pizza boxes to the kitchen without making any efforts to clean up more than that, and Todd made sure Dirk had a real pillow before he went to bed. He tried to offer up a different blanket too, but Dirk had grown attached to Pikachu and insisted on using it again.

Much like the previous night, Todd was reassured by the fact that he could see Dirk through the crack he’d left in his bedroom door. Once he heard Dirk’s breathing even out, he let himself fall asleep.

*

At some point in the middle of the night, Todd wasn’t sure when, Dirk woke him up by falling off the couch with a scream and a curse. Todd rushed to flip the lights on, relieved to find Dirk on the floor in one piece, albeit a bit shaken.

“Jesus, are you okay?” he asked, helping Dirk up.

“Nightmare,” Dirk said curtly. “Nothing to be worried about. Go back to bed.”

Todd didn’t want to leave him alone, but Dirk was set on Todd not staying up, so after a considerable protest, he complied.

*

Not long after he’d fallen back asleep, Todd woke up again, this time because Dirk was actually climbing into his bed. He’d almost expected it, what he hadn’t expected was the way Dirk curled up against him. He was shivering even under the blanket, and Todd reached out to him in the dark.

“Are you cold?”

“Not so much cold as I’m feeling a distinct lack of warmth.”

“What?”

“You’re warm.”

Still half-asleep, Todd didn’t overthink it when he pulled Dirk in closer. “Come here,” he said, and when Dirk hesitated, “Don’t make it weird.”

Dirk fell asleep almost as soon as his head came to rest on Todd’s collarbone, and Todd wasn’t far behind.

*

It could have been minutes or hours later that Todd woke up again to Dirk’s body jerking against his. Clawing his way out of the fog of sleep, he wrapped an arm around Dirk and started to card his fingers through Dirk’s hair, a reflex from the early days of Amanda’s attacks. Dirk was still out cold though, and Todd’s actions seemed to be making the trembling worse. That didn’t stop Dirk from crowding even further into Todd’s space, rolling them so he was draped over Todd’s side, one of his knees between Todd’s. He made a small noise into Todd’s shoulder and jerked again, the motion bringing Todd’s attention to the fact that Dirk was hard and whimpering and clinging onto every single part of Todd he could reach.

Not a nightmare, then.

Todd wasn’t sure at what point he’d died but he couldn’t help but marvel at the remarkable recreation of his bedroom that hell had put together. Because really, that was the only explanation for what was happening. Dirk was panting into his neck and rolling his hips into his side and Todd was uncomfortably aware of his own body’s reaction to it and he was definitely, _definitely_ in hell.

There was no good way to extract himself from the situation. Moving would wake Dirk up, and then they’d both be mortified. The last thing Dirk needed right now was an embarrassing incident of this magnitude, and Todd wanted to save him from that at all costs. There wasn’t much else he could do though, so he held on tight and stared determinedly into the darkness. He’d just wait for it to pass, move to the couch, and figure out how to deal with it in the morning. He could do that.

Unfortunately, his luck was even worse than usual lately, because Dirk woke up almost as soon as the thought crossed his mind.

“Todd?” he asked blearily, his breath hitching in a way that made it very hard for Todd to stay still.

“Hey,” Todd said carefully, “it’s okay, you’re okay.”

Dirk pulled back a little, the rolling of his hips not stopping exactly, but stuttering a little as he figured out what was happening. “Shit,” he said, pulling away farther. “Todd, I-”

Todd didn’t let him finish. “It’s okay,” he said again, pulling Dirk back in and hiking his knee up between Dirk’s legs. Dirk made an obscene noise and buried his face into Todd’s neck. “Come on, stay here, you’re okay, it’s okay,” Todd repeated, because Dirk had sounded scared and humiliated and he didn’t want him to leave feeling like that. He didn’t want him to leave at all.

Dirk took that for the invitation it was, clinging tighter and making a choked, desperate noise when Todd slid his fingers back into his hair. He started moving again, rutting up against Todd’s side all sleep-addled and clumsy because he was barely even awake. All Todd could do was hold on and make him feel safe, because if he couldn’t figure out what was happening he could at least do that much.

He felt Dirk get closer to finishing, and eventually he came with a shudder and immediately fell back asleep afterwards. Todd carefully removed himself from Dirk’s grip, fortunately without waking him, and moved to the couch. Ignoring his own erection and the sinking feeling of guilt in the pit of his stomach, he collapsed back onto it. He had no idea how long it took, but eventually he was able to fall into fitful sleep.

*

The sound of his front door closing startled Todd awake in the morning, and he sat bolt upright trying to figure out what happened. The first thing he noticed was that at some point the Pikachu blanket had been laid over him, and the second thing he noticed was that Dirk was gone. He fought back the instinct to panic; it was unlikely that Dirk had been taken by force, and if he’d left on his own it meant he was well enough to do so. Hopefully he’d just gone downstairs to his own apartment and hopefully he wouldn’t stay there. Todd didn’t know how he’d go about getting him after last night, but he knew enough to know that the longer he waited to reach out, the worse it would get. He was debating his options when his phone lit up, buzzing with a call from a number he recognized as one of Farah’s burn phones.

“Farah, thank god,” he said, immediately accepting the call. “What’s going on? Have you talked to Amanda? How are we going to fix this? Dirk’s all messed up and I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid things will never go back to normal-”

“Breathe, Todd,” Farah interrupted. “We’re working on something, okay? There’s some kind of… disturbance. All the agencies are tracking it and so am I. That’s all I’m going to tell you for now.”

Todd did as he was told and took in a huge breath through his nose and exhaled it slowly. It helped a little. “Where are you?” he asked finally. He wanted her to come home and help him with this. Farah was about as emotionally communicative as Todd was, but between the two of them they’d surely come up with something.

“I’m still in South America,” Farah said. “There’s a transit strike, and it’s going to keep me here for a while.”

Todd deflated. “The universe really is against us,” he said dejectedly. “What can I do?”

Farah sighed. “Nothing,” and when Todd started to protest she interrupted him. “I’m serious, Todd. Anywhere you go, Dirk will follow and it’s too dangerous. There’s a reason we’re not telling you anything. It’s too risky.”

Frustrated, Todd huffed, but deep down he knew she was right. It was one thing for him to walk into a potentially unsafe situation, but if Dirk was with him things could go sideways really quickly. Especially with the holistic power outage, Dirk was more likely to end up getting them both killed than fix anything.

“Fine,” Todd reluctantly agreed. “But please tell us as soon as you know anything? After last night I’m starting to lose it a little.”

“What happened last night?”

 _Shit._ “Uh…” he stalled. He didn’t know how much to tell her.

“Todd Brotzman, _what did you do?_ ”

Todd took offense to that. “I didn’t do anything! Dirk just kind of… slept in my bed. It was weird.”

Farah sighed like she knew something Todd didn’t. Fortunately she didn’t press for details, instead saying, “Be careful, Todd. Things are going to be bad while we figure this out, and they might get worse before we do. Take care of Dirk, but take care of yourself, too. Things will get messy if you don’t.”

Todd was about to ask what she meant by that when his front door opened and Dirk sheepishly entered his apartment. “Farah I have to go,” Todd said, and hung up the phone without another word. Dirk’s hair was wet; he’d clearly just showered, and he was wearing pajama pants that belonged to him, but he’d put the Halcyon Fields shirt back on. Todd melted a little.

“Hi,” Dirk said.

“Hi,” Todd echoed, immediately moving to make room for Dirk on the couch. Mercifully, Dirk seemed to understand that he was welcome, sitting down at the other end, a little further away than strictly necessary.

“Look, about last night-” Dirk started, but Todd decided that no matter what he’d thought before, he was definitely not ready to have that conversation.

He laughed nervously. “Yeah, I was out cold. You barely even woke me up, so, you know, uh, don’t worry about it.” Todd hated himself for chickening out, but it happened like a reflex before he could make himself be an adult about it.

Dirk frowned. “You didn’t wake up at all last night?”

“I mean, I came out here at some point,” Todd said, hoping Dirk’s memory was hazy enough to let him get away with the lie. “You know you snore, right?”

Dirk’s frown deepened, and he sagged against the back of the couch. “Oh,” he said softly. “I just thought… never mind. I could swear you were awake and talking to me, but I guess not. I’ve been getting weird déjà vu lately, I think I’m remembering my dreams as memories and my memories as dreams, or something. It’s quite confusing actually, but I’ve never had a dream feel so… solid.”

Well, fuck. Todd couldn’t exactly let Dirk walk around thinking his brain was malfunctioning worse than it already was. He sighed. “Wait, no,” he said. “I lied, I did wake up a few times last night.” And then, because he couldn’t stop himself, “I was really out of it though, I don’t remember anything.”

“You were talking to me,” Dirk said again, distantly, as if he was trying to reassure himself that it had happened and he wasn’t going crazy. “You told me I could stay.”

Todd sighed again. “Yeah, I did,” he said. “You’re not imagining anything. I was just afraid you’d feel weird and I thought it might be easier on you if I pretended. I’m seriously fine with it though, okay? It’s totally fine.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Look,” Todd said, scooting closer to Dirk on the couch. He was already kicking himself for making Dirk think he was imagining things, there was no way in hell he was going to let Dirk think he’d done something wrong. “It’s not a big deal. Things are crazy right now, so I get it. It’s totally cool. I’m your friend, I’m happy to help.”

There was a long pause in which Dirk sort of just blinked at him and Todd’s brain caught up with what he’d just said. He couldn’t believe he’d used the words _happy to help_ in relation to Dirk having orgasms in his bed, and by the looks of it neither could Dirk.

“Oh… okay,” Dirk said, finally breaking the silence. “So… do you want to watch more movies today?”

“Totally!” Todd said, a bit too quickly and a bit too eagerly for it to seem completely natural. He dialed it back and said, “Popcorn for breakfast?”

Dirk’s smile was smaller than usual but still bright when he said, “That sounds fantastic.”

*

They watched Titanic again because Todd knew Dirk wanted to but would never ask, and also a little bit because Todd had missed a lot of the beginning while he was pretending he wasn’t interested the first time around. After that he decided to just lean into it, and suggested the Romance Movies Supercut that had been going around the internet. It wasn’t Todd’s sort of thing, but Dirk was so visibly delighted that it was worth it.

Crazy Stupid Love and 10 Things I Hate About You were easy enough to handle. They were funny at least, and diverting enough that Todd almost didn’t think about everything that had happened. Dirk seemed to enjoy Love Actually, which wasn’t surprising, and even Todd felt himself getting sucked in. Around the time they hit Moulin Rouge and Ewan McGregor was singing Elton John to Nicole Kidman, they had Thai food delivered and wolfed it down. It was too late for lunch and too early for dinner, so they ate enough for both. Todd tried to ignore the ache in his chest every time Christian turned his earnest blue eyes to the camera, telling himself it was heartburn and not the fact that it reminded him of Dirk. It worked, mostly.

He sat stiffly through The Notebook, swallowing hard at the dramatic kiss in the rain and very deliberately _not_ looking at Dirk. The next movie that queued up was Brokeback Mountain, and after the first half hour Todd had to excuse himself.

“I’m just...” he said, clearing his throat, “gonna go shower. Keep watching, I won’t be long.”

Dirk nodded, already completely entranced by the movie (he’d told Todd once that Westerns and cowboys had always been fascinating to him as someone who hadn’t grown up with the Old West two states over) and Todd slipped away to the bathroom, grabbing a towel and setting the water on cold. He stood under the spray for fifteen infuriating minutes before giving up, turning the knob to warm the water up.

When he finally regained feeling in his fingers he started to wash his hair, but kept getting distracted when his brain flashed back to the previous night. He thought about the way his fingers had tangled in Dirk’s hair, and heat swooped low in his belly when he remembered the noise Dirk had made when he did it. Dirk had been so close and all over him and making low, desperate noises right into his ear and suddenly Todd couldn’t think of anything else. He remembered the feeling of Dirk’s breath against his neck and had to bite down on his own lip to stop himself from making a truly inappropriate noise.

Giving up on pretending that he wasn’t going to jerk off, Todd braced himself against the shower wall. He was probably going to hell for perving on his best friend at a time like this, but Todd had never really had a good sense of timing anyway. When he got a hand around himself he had to suppress another groan, and he figured that if he was going to do this, he should at least make it quick. It didn’t take much though, just a few minutes of deliberate strokes and the knowledge that he knew what Dirk sounded like when he came. With a few final thrusts into his fist Todd came, and as he rinsed himself off he realized that yeah, he was definitely going to hell.

He stalled in the bedroom as long as he could, taking his sweet time changing into pajamas, so by the time he sat back down on the couch, Brokeback Mountain was almost over. Dirk sat through the credits with wide eyes and without a word, which was unnerving considering that under normal circumstances he was always talking. Todd didn’t think he could handle any more.

“I’m going to bed,” he said finally, feigning a calmness that he didn’t possess. He probably could have stayed up for another movie or two, but he’d been sitting on the couch all day and needed to at least change locations. Even if he didn’t fall asleep right away he could at least watch Vine compilations on his phone until he was unconscious. Mindless videos followed by a minor coma sounded good to him.

Except the universe wasn’t on his side lately, and Dirk made the saddest, most disappointed face Todd had ever seen before masking it quickly. Fuck.

“You can come too,” Todd said, trying to sound casual in a way that he was pretty sure failed completely. “I mean, if you want to.”

The few seconds Dirk took to think it over were the longest and worst of Todd’s life. Dirk smiled though, just a little, and Todd felt like he could finally exhale.

“Well if you don’t mind,” he said, still sounding a little hesitant, and Todd waved him towards the bedroom.

“Come on,” he said, “let’s go to bed.”

Getting into bed with Dirk was sort of awkward; Todd had never just gone to bed with anyone, it was usually something that came after sex and before a hasty getaway. He had to remind himself not to think of sex or anything about the night before while Dirk was only inches away. There was only so much he could take.

“Todd,” Dirk said as soon as the lights were off. Todd should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. At least Dirk was using his curious voice, which was a lot better than just sounding exhausted.

“Yeah Dirk?” Todd asked, laying stiffly on his back. Dirk was doing the same, as if they were afraid to look at each other.

“Last night,” Dirk said, “were you really just being helpful? I… I wasn’t all there, but I felt something. Something not strictly friendly. Was I imagining it?”

Todd had to hand it to Dirk, even with everything going to shit all around them, he was still the bravest person Todd had ever met. To be faced with everything that was happening and still ask a question like that… Todd knew he wouldn’t have done it.

“No,” Todd said, exhaustion and the dark making him honest. “No you weren’t.” He heard Dirk swallow hard and felt him roll over onto his side to face him. Slowly, Todd forced himself to do the same.

They were face-to-face now, heads even on the pillows. Not that Todd could see much through the dark, but he knew Dirk was there. It had taken a while to hone the skill, but he could feel Dirk’s presence from across the room while blindfolded if he had to. Fortunately, tonight he didn’t have to.

Todd expected Dirk to say something, anything, because an awkward conversation was coming one way or another. Instead, Dirk cupped Todd’s face and then his lips were on Todd’s, soft and gentle and just a little bit hesitant. Todd’s brain short-circuited but Dirk kissed him again, and Todd just went with it, let Dirk lean into him and opened his mouth for more. He was surprised, but Dirk surprised him like that, and now that it was happening he couldn’t remember why he’d been trying not to want it. He made a small noise, and Dirk pulled back.

“Is this okay?” he asked, hands still on Todd’s face, and all Todd could do was grab him by the back of his neck and pull him in close so he could kiss him like he wanted to. They surged up against each other, scrambling to get close like even the thought of space between them was an injustice to be immediately corrected. Dirk’s hands fell away from Todd’s face so he could wrap an arm around Todd’s waist, hauling him even closer.

Dirk was kissing Todd like he was the answer to every question he’d ever asked and Todd was overwhelmed, swept up in it until for once in his life he stopped thinking and just felt. It had a desperate edge to it, the kind that Todd usually felt when they were about to do something completely off the rails that could wind up being a total catastrophe. It had always worked out in the past though, and even without the universe guiding them Todd was willing to follow Dirk’s lead.

Eventually Dirk pulled back, exhaling hard while his arm flexed where it was draped around Todd’s middle. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” he said. “I was waiting for the universe to tell me when. Right now there’s no universe and there’s still you and I still wanted to so… that was for you, from me. The universe had nothing to do with it.”

It was the most insane thing Todd had ever heard him say, which was saying something, but like all the other insane things Dirk said, Todd accepted it as truth. It took him a few tries to get it out but eventually he said, “Fuck the universe. You’re way better.”

Dirk breathed his name and was back on Todd in an instant, and it was already different. Dirk was pressing harder, trying to crowd into his space as if there was any left to crowd into. Todd tugged him closer with a fistful of t-shirt, and the noise he made when he remembered that Dirk was wearing his clothes bordered on indecent.

With visible effort, Dirk pulled back. “I need…” he said, clenching and unclenching his hands where they held onto Todd. He curled into himself just a little bit.

“Hey, hey,” Todd said. “Whatever it is, we’ll get it. I promise.”

Dirk took one of Todd’s hands in his own, bringing it up to his mouth so he could brush his lips across each of Todd’s fingers. “I need to feel real,” he said. “I need reality. You’re the realest thing I know.”

It was open and honest in a way that would have embarrassed Todd under different circumstances, but now he just nodded. He knew, instinctively, what Dirk needed. He wondered if this was how Dirk usually felt with the universe on his side. He took a deep breath. Dirk had been brave in starting this, it was Todd’s turn now.

Dirk’s breath hitched when Todd ran a hand down his chest, over his stomach and then up under the Halcyon Fields shirt. He kissed Dirk again, but that didn’t muffle the noise they both made when Todd slipped his hand into Dirk’s pajama pants and palmed his cock. He was hard already, so was Todd, and when Todd wrapped a hand around him Dirk shuddered. The intensity in the room was suddenly cranked up to high, but Dirk put his mouth back on Todd’s before Todd could overthink it.

Todd tried to make it good despite the angle and the waistband that kept getting snagged on his wrist, but if Dirk noticed he wasn’t complaining. He kept making these small, muffled noises into Todd’s mouth and rolling his hips like he had last night, except better because Todd could move with him.

Dirk’s hand sliding into Todd’s pants interrupted the rhythm, but once they figured it out it all came together. Todd had to stop kissing Dirk just so he could knock their foreheads together and breathe, and Dirk took the opportunity to make a lot of noise.

If Todd thought Dirk sounded sinful the night before, he’d had no idea. He was all quiet whimpers broken up by stuttering moans that coincided with his stuttering hips. Todd could hear his name in there sometimes, and he thrust his cock hard into the ring of Dirk’s fist every time he did. They started groaning then, both breathing hard as their hips moved restlessly against each other.

Their knuckles bumped and Dirk bit down on Todd’s shoulder through the poly-cotton blend of his t-shirt and Todd was gone, hand flexing around Dirk’s cock as he shook and came apart. Dirk was almost instantaneously behind, shaking with his own climax.

Todd couldn’t see much in the dark, but he knew he was going to remember the look on Dirk’s face for the rest of his life. They did the requisite cleaning up, and then fell asleep tangled together.

In the morning Todd would wake up and everything would be worse.


	3. III

Todd had been fully prepared to wake up with Dirk. Well, “prepared” was possibly a strong word, considering Todd never really felt prepared for anything. He was ready to deal with whatever came next though; psychic power outage, Blackwing, hopefully more kissing Dirk, any of it. When he’d fallen asleep he knew that things were going to be different when he woke up, and he’d finally felt like he could take it on.

He hadn’t been prepared to wake up covered in blood and alone.

A quick check of his torso showed that none of the blood all over his t-shirt actually belonged to him, which was somehow worse than the alternative. Dirk was missing, and apparently bleeding, and Todd needed to get to him immediately. He was on his feet in a second when he heard a shout and a curse from the bathroom.

“Fuck,” Dirk was saying, throwing an empty box of tissues at the wall opposite him where he sat on the floor. His face and chin and part of his jaw were bloody, and Todd could tell by the corresponding blood stains on Dirk’s shirt that he’d been asleep on Todd’s chest when his nose had started bleeding.

“Oh shit,” Todd said, grabbing a towel off the back of the bathroom door and handing it to Dirk. Dirk didn’t take it, so Todd ran it under some water and knelt at his side to start wiping at his face himself. “How long have you been sitting here?”

Dirk grumbled, but didn’t push Todd away. “About an hour,” he said morosely. “It stopped bleeding about ten minutes ago but not before making a gigantic mess all over your bathroom.”

“Jesus, Dirk,” Todd said. “Why didn’t you wake me up? I could have helped or like, taken you to the ER or something.”

“It’s a nosebleed, Todd,” Dirk said, with an edge to his voice that was totally unlike him. “I can take care of it myself.”

Todd lowered the towel. “I know you can,” he said, “but you don’t have to, not anymore. You have me now, remember?”

Dirk deflated and leaned back against the bathtub. “I know,” he said. “I’m sorry. I just… I used to get nosebleeds all the time when I was small. Blackwing… the tests where they monitored my brain activity with electrodes were the worst. I got used to dealing with it alone precisely so I could _prevent_ people from helping me. No one really ‘helps’ at Blackwing, they just poke at the problem until it goes away or turns into a new one.”

“Jesus,” Todd said, picking the towel back up and continuing to gently wipe at Dirk’s face and neck. Dirk took it better this time, quietly letting Todd work and even angling his head so Todd could reach certain spots better. “You know, we do want to help,” he said after a minute, and when Dirk made a confused face he said, “Yes, ‘we.’ Amanda, Farah… me. All of us. We’re here for you, Dirk.”

Todd couldn’t read Dirk’s expression when he said that, but he’d more or less done the best he could with just a damp towel, so he stood up and offered his hand to Dirk. “Come on, we’ll get you cleaned up and then we can eat a bunch of garbage and watch romcoms while we figure out what’s next.”

Dirk looked impossibly grateful, accepting Todd’s hand and standing up. “I ruined your shirt,” he said, looking down at the giant bloodstain covering a large chunk of the Halcyon Fields logo. “Both of them,” he added, gesturing at Todd’s.

“It’s just a shirt, Dirk,” he said, but Dirk didn’t look convinced.

“It’s special,” Dirk said. “You got it with Amanda, you-”

“I gave it to you,” Todd said. “It’s not the shirt that’s special, it’s the memory, and I still have that. So come on, we’ll get you a different one.” He grabbed Dirk’s hand and led him back into the bedroom, sitting him down at the foot of the bed so he could rummage through his dresser drawers properly. Finding the shirt he wanted, he pulled it out and held it out to Dirk. It almost felt good to have a problem with a concrete and easily obtainable solution, at least he could _do_ something about this.

There weren’t a lot of Mexican Funeral t-shirts left, and this one was different from all the others. It was gray with black lettering, and some of the details of the guitar were different. “This,” Todd explained, “is the original Mexican Funeral shirt. A friend of ours designed it in exchange for a case of beer, and this is what it looked like before we finalized the logo. It’s the only one like it, and I want you to wear it.”

“Todd,” Dirk said, leaning away from the offered shirt like even breathing on it would contaminate it. “I can’t, that’s too… I don’t-”

“Take it,” Todd said firmly. “I used to wear it when I was bummed out about not having friends, but that’s not true anymore. You need it more than I do.”

Reluctantly, Dirk accepted it. His eyes were wide and shining with an emotion that Todd couldn’t name but definitely understood. “Thank you,” he said, holding the shirt like it was the most valuable thing he’d ever touched. “I… I think I’ll go downstairs for a bit.” Todd’s face must have fallen at that because Dirk was quick to add, “Just to have a shower and get some things. If you’re willing to extend your hospitality I’d love to come back.”

“Dirk,” Todd said, “you know you’re always welcome here, right? I like you being here, I want you around.”

Dirk’s whole face was encompassed by the same emotion that Todd couldn’t name but was able to feel right down to his bones. He looked away before he said anything embarrassing.

“Right,” Dirk said, heading for the door. “One small request?” he asked as he walked out.

“Yes we can watch Titanic again,” Todd said, smiling at the predictability. Dirk left, and he sat down, and immediately started having a crisis about everything that had happened in the past 48 hours. He had no idea what any of it meant or what it meant to him or what it could mean to Dirk, and was just coming around to the horrifying realization that Dirk could just be clinging to whatever was closest and most familiar when Amanda called.

“Oh jeez,” she said when Todd picked up the phone with a panicked _hello?_ “Are you okay? You sound weird.”

“Nothing is okay and everything is weird,” Todd said frantically into the phone. “Dirk’s all messed up, I have to wash blood out of my Halcyon Fields shirt, I’m about to watch Titanic for the third time in three days and _no one will tell me what’s happening._ ”

“Dude, chill out,” Amanda said, but there was a tremor in her voice that wasn’t there before. “First of all, whose blood is on your shirt and how did it get there?”

Todd sighed and ran his free hand down his face. “Dirk woke up this morning with a _massive_ nosebleed. He was wearing the shirt and it got everywhere. I’m going to need to wash my towels too.”

“So… what you’re saying to me is that Dirk woke up, in your Halcyon Fields shirt, in your apartment, and you like, tended to his wounds and shit?”

“I think you’re missing the part where he was hemorrhaging out his nose,” Todd said, frustrated that Amanda wasn’t focusing on what he felt was the most important part. Her pointed silence made him elaborate. “He’s been sleeping here, okay? He… has nightmares.”

It was close enough to the truth that Amanda dropped it, at least for the time being. “Right,” she said. “Look, I was just calling to check in but it looks like things might be worse than I thought. What’s going on?”

Todd was thrilled that even after everything that had happened, Amanda still cared about him enough to at least be concerned. Unfortunately, the gratitude he felt didn’t really show when he said, “ _I don’t know!_ You guys are keeping me in the dark and I’m freaking out because Dirk can’t stay awake for more than five hours at a time and usually wakes up screaming. God only knows what’s happening to you, and I can’t stop thinking about it because I can’t lose you. Either of you.”

Amanda took a deep breath. “Okay,” she conceded, “you may have a point. Would it make you feel better if I told you how me and the Rowdies are doing?”

“Yes,” Todd said. “Anything, _please_.”

Amanda sighed. “It started simple enough, the boys were all drained and even feeding off me didn’t help. It started leaving me cold, like it would a normal person. I stopped having attacks, and then I stopped having visions. You know how we always know where the others are? That disappeared. Vogel got lost in a CostCo parking lot and it took us two hours to find him. Whatever lets us sense each other is just… gone.”

“Jesus,” Todd said. “What about the rainbow monster?”

“She fades out sometimes,” Amanda said. “We’re not sure where she goes but when she comes back she doesn’t seem to realize she’d been missing.”

“Well shit,” Todd said. “What about you, are you okay?”

There was a considerable pause in which Todd could tell Amanda was trying to decide how much to tell him. “I get headaches,” she eventually said in a way that Todd knew meant she was downplaying it for his benefit. “At first we just needed a rush, so we started doing some really crazy shit. After a while it stopped working. We’re holding on for now, but Martin started getting nosebleeds yesterday.”

Todd didn’t know what to say to that. “So, is it a Blackwing thing?” was what he settled on. “Dirk, Martin, who knows who else? Do we know anything about any others?”

“Minimal,” Amanda said, “but I’m still not convinced it’s Blackwing. They never had me and I’m still affected. Did you get anything from Mona?”

“Still nothing,” said Todd, feeling his spirits sink. “How are we going to get out of this?”

“I’m working with Farah on some stuff I’m still not going to tell you about. She’s meeting us in L.A. tomorrow.”

Todd felt a little better knowing Amanda and Farah would be together. “Okay,” he sighed. “I just want all of this to be over. It’s been… intense.”

“I’m kinda having the opposite problem over here,” Amanda said. “We went skydiving _and_ hang gliding and it wasn’t intense _enough_.”

Todd flashed back to Dirk saying something about the Rowdies taking Amanda skydiving. “That’s so weird,” he said. “Dirk-”

“About that,” Amanda said. “You really let him wear your Halcyon Fields shirt?”

“Yeah,” Todd said, somewhat afraid that Amanda would be mad that he shared the memory with someone else. “I had to give him something else to change into, though.”

“He couldn’t go downstairs and get something of his own?”

Todd felt his face heat up. “He’s down there showering now but we haven’t really left my apartment in a few days. He was really upset about the Halcyon Fields shirt so I gave him another one to show him it didn’t matter.”

Amanda made a thoughtful noise and Todd felt himself getting redder. “What shirt did you give him?”

“A Mexican Funeral one. The original.”

“Shit,” Amanda said. “Dude, you are so far gone. You’re straight up fucked.”

Todd pretended he didn’t know what she was talking about, even though it was starting to feel like he did. He didn’t get a chance to respond though, because Dirk walked back in before he could figure out how to deflect. “Okay that’s great thanks Amanda I love you bye!” he said in one breath, and hung up.

The Mexican Funeral shirt fit Dirk perfectly. Todd wasn’t sure what he thought of the concept of destiny anymore, but prior to all the holistic stuff he would have called it fate. It was loose enough that Dirk would be comfortable, but it showed off the strength hidden in his arms and sat close enough to his chest that Todd felt himself swallowing hard. He couldn’t stop staring.

“I brought some things,” Dirk said self-consciously, lifting a bag that Todd hadn’t noticed. He snapped out of it, mostly. “It’s pretty much just tea, actually,” Dirk continued. “And a kettle, because I’m assuming you heat your water in the microwave like an animal.”

Todd was briefly offended before he realized Dirk wasn’t wrong. “Sounds good,” he said.

*

They watched Titanic and ate cookies for lunch and Dirk made cup after cup of tea, most of which Todd hated but drank anyway. Dirk seemed to like that he was trying to like it at least, so Todd kept taking the mugs Dirk shoved into his hands.

Todd didn’t exactly have matching dishes picked out, so his mug had a cartoon cat on it that was giving double middle fingers and said _'I do what I want_.’ Dirk’s just said ' _drink ‘til she’s cute’_ which was only funny because Dirk was the one drinking out of it.

Halfway through Stardust (which they agreed wasn’t as magical after having been to Wendimoor) Dirk fell asleep like he usually did, and Todd paused the movie rather than waiting to rewind it when Dirk woke up. He grabbed Dirk’s bag to see what other kind of tea he had, because maybe he’d like one of those, and found the bloody Halcyon Fields shirt peeking out of it.

He took it into the bathroom where he began running it under some cold water. It rinsed red into the sink, the blood seeping into the stream and running down the drain. He left it to soak for a minute while he grabbed some detergent, and started gently washing it by hand. Eventually the water ran clear, and the shirt looked more or less normal. He hung it over the shower rod to dry and picked up the towels and dumped them in his laundry. He’d sort that out later.

Todd checked the time on his phone and realized he’d spent longer cleaning up than he thought. His thoughts turned to dinner and what they should order (they’d given up on preparing their own food pretty much immediately after Todd had cooked the one breakfast) when a blood-curdling scream echoed down the hall from the living room.

It was Dirk, obviously, and logically Todd knew at this point that it was just a nightmare and he wasn’t hurt, but that didn’t stop him from rushing to Dirk’s side. Dirk was awake but breathing heavily, hands trembling as he buried his face in them.

“Hey, hey,” Todd said, kneeling next to the couch and wrapping an arm around as much of Dirk as he could reach. “I’m here, you’re safe, you’re okay.”

Dirk exhaled a shaky breath and pulled his hands away from his face to look at Todd. He breathed a small sigh of relief and Todd felt better knowing that Dirk felt better. Still, Dirk’s eyes were haunted by some awful image that Todd could only imagine. Todd noticed his cheeks were wet; he’d been crying in his sleep.

“Do…” Dirk started unsteadily. “Do you ever have those nightmares where you wake up and you don’t remember anything but you’re still left with an utterly unshakable feeling of loss?” Todd nodded. “They’re all like that. I wake up grieving every time and I don’t know why.”

Todd pulled him closer. “What can I do?”

“Don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

*

They didn’t finish Stardust. Dirk kept nodding off during the hasty dinner of grilled cheese that Todd had pulled together out of the minimal contents of his fridge and Todd had suggested just going straight to bed. Dirk had looked panicked in the moment before Todd assured him that he’d go too, ignoring any implications from the previous night. Dirk looked like he was in rough shape, and sex was the furthest thing from Todd’s mind. They’d figure it out when things got better.

Dirk had put a toothbrush in the bag he’d brought upstairs, and sleepily made his way into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Todd wasn’t far behind, and bumped into him where he was standing still directly in the way of the door. It took Todd a second to figure out what he was staring at so intently, but he eventually realized it was the Halcyon Fields shirt.

“You cleaned it,” Dirk said, awestruck like cold water and some Tide were a miracle Todd had bestowed on the shirt.

“Well, yeah,” Todd said. “Amanda has puked or bled on literally every shirt I’ve ever given her. I got good at cleaning them up. So really, when you think about it, all you did was make it more punk. You’re one of us now.”

Dirk turned to face Todd, planting a soft but earnest kiss on his lips. Todd blinked in surprise a few times but kissed back until Dirk swayed dangerously against him.

“Woah,” Todd said, holding onto Dirk with the suspicion that he was the only thing keeping Dirk upright. “Come on, let’s get you lying down.”

Dirk mumbled an agreement and let Todd lead him back to bed, his eyes closed and feet shuffling heavily the whole way. Todd tucked him in like he used to do with Amanda after a particularly rough bender, and climbed in the other side.

Dirk slept for 20 straight hours. Todd didn’t sleep at all.

*

Two days later they were watching Titanic for the sixth time when Farah called. Dirk had nodded off sometime around Jack taking Rose dancing and Todd had left it running because his laptop was too far away to hit pause and he didn’t really feel like moving. His phone buzzing from the coffee table got him to sit bolt upright though, and he grabbed it in an instant, answering right away.

“I have good news and bad news,” Farah said.

“Bad news first,” Todd said reflexively.

“The bad news won’t make any sense without the good news,” Farah said. “Look- I’ll just tell you. We traced the source of the power outage, and we’re pretty sure we’re the first ones to do so. I’m hoping I can get to Idaho before anyone else does.”

Todd laughed triumphantly. “I knew you could do it! That’s great- but wait, what’s the bad news?”

“We’re still not sure what it is, or how to disable it, or even if it _can_ be disabled.”

Todd felt his spirits plummet. “Oh,” he said weakly. “So what’s next?”

“I’m on my way to Twin Falls right now,” Farah said, and Todd realized that he could hear the faint background static of a car’s bluetooth audio system. “I left Amanda and the Rowdies in California, they’ll be safer there. I should get to the source in the next five or six hours so I’ll scope it out tonight and figure out how to get to it in the morning.”

“Okay,” Todd said, feeling more helpless than he’d ever felt in his entire life. “Just please be careful? I don’t want to lose anyone because of this. Not Dirk, not Amanda, and that goes for you too.”

He could almost hear Farah’s smile over the phone. “Got it,” she said. “Go take care of your man and I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She hung up before Todd could ask her what she meant by that.

*

At some point Dirk woke up enough to be transferred from the couch to the bed, but as soon as his head hit the pillow he was out enough that he didn’t even notice when Todd left. He wouldn’t go far, but pacing the living room for a while seemed like a good option. There were times when Todd was struck by how meaningless and dull his life had been before all of this. He had been bored and jaded and friendless and while the alternative was definitely better it was still a lot some times, Sometimes he felt like he still wasn’t adjusted and was going to have a catastrophic psychological breakdown during the next crisis of the week, but it never came. He had friends, a support system, Dirk.

Dirk. Todd closed his eyes and walked another lap around the couch, knowing the path well enough at this point that he didn’t need to see. Dirk had kissed him. Dirk had done more than kiss him, and that wasn’t all. Dirk stole his pillow every time he got into bed, put his feet in Todd’s lap when they were both sprawled out on the couch, knew how much sugar he needed to make tea tolerable. He was Todd’s best friend.

Todd was scared for him. He was scared for Amanda, and Farah, and even the rainbow monster. He kept compulsive track of how long Dirk slept, afraid that every time he was awake would be the last. He was definitely, definitely terrified of what would happen if they didn’t fix this.

Guiltily, the the darkest corner of his mind, he was afraid of what would happen if they did. Would Dirk move back downstairs like nothing had happened? Would he even remember that something had? More importantly, would he still want Todd when his world wasn’t falling apart?

And that was the kicker, wasn’t it. Because Todd wanted Dirk to get better but he also didn’t want Dirk to leave. It had taken an utter disaster to get them to this point, but they were closer than they’d ever been and Todd didn’t want to go back to the way it was. Amanda had been right, he was completely fucked.

There was also that voice in his head reminding him that he was a bad guy, that Dirk didn’t deserve to be stuck with him, and that Dirk was going to regret everything as soon as he could think clearly. Dirk had gotten really good at recognizing when Todd was falling into a self-loathing spiral, and was even better at pulling him out. The problem was that Dirk was asleep in the other room, and Todd had no idea what he was thinking.

He paced the living room a little more before switching to pacing around the kitchen, pouring himself a bowl of cereal that he didn’t eat and grabbing a beer that he definitely drank. He was considering having another, or maybe some of the tequila from the shelf above the fridge, when he heard now-familiar screams coming from the bedroom.

Later, he’d feel overwhelmingly awful about the fact that he’d been relieved to hear Dirk having a nightmare, but at least it meant that he wouldn’t have to be alone with his thoughts anymore.

*

They both managed to sleep all the way through the rest of the night, and were both woken up at 6am to the sound of Dirk’s “Hello Moto” ringtone blasting from the bedside table. Dirk grabbed it reflexively, but his voice was still bleary when he mumbled, “Hello?”

Dirk’s eyes went wide. “Farah?” he said. “It’s so good to hear from you! Hold on, I’ll put you on speaker.” He pressed a few buttons and then Todd could hear her too.

“Hey guys,” she said, voice tinny over the pathetic 2006 speakers. “You’re never going to believe what I found. The power outage? A high school junior is messing around with magnets and all kinds of weird stuff out here in the middle of a cornfield. It’s a science project, and I don’t think either of us really knows what it’s doing, just that it’s doing _something_. She had no idea but like, this kid is a genius, I’m sure she can figure out what it is.”

“So…” Dirk said, “Blackwing isn’t trying to kill me?”

“No one’s trying to kill you,” Farah said, and Dirk’s shoulders sagged in relief. He had to give the phone to Todd because his hands were shaking too much to keep it between them.

Todd took it, and tried to speak into the microphone when he asked, “So what’s next? What do we do?”

“I’m going to give Carrie four years of tuition at the university of her choice and a generous research grant on the condition she keeps us in the loop, and then we’re going to blow this thing up.”

Todd laughed, and even Dirk managed a soft chuckle. “So that’s it?” Todd asked. “Everything’s fixed?”

“Not quite,” Farah said solemnly, and Dirk collapsed back against the headboard in visible defeat. “The CIA and a few others are right on my tail, we have to do this _today_ if we want to keep it from getting to them. We won’t have much time to plan.”

“What do you need us to do?” Todd asked, grabbing Dirk’s hand without thinking. He wondered for a second if it was the right thing to do, but Dirk squeezing his hand right back confirmed it.

“Give me a few hours,” Farah said. “I’ll get back to you with instructions.”

They said goodbye, and Todd turned to Dirk. “So… Titanic?”

*

Dirk had tried valiantly to stay awake this time, clearly desperate for news from Farah, but he’d eventually succumbed after Todd promised to wake him up as soon as he knew anything. Todd had paused Titanic the second he was out because he was human and had a limit, and sat at the table to eat the cereal he’d poured last night. He didn’t have milk, and the Fruity Pebbles tasted like sand when consumed dry, but Todd was pretty much done and had stopped caring about anything else but fixing Dirk and Amanda.

Almost as soon as he sat down, Todd got a text from an unknown number with an Idaho area code. Assuming Farah had a new burn phone, he opened it. It said:

> _we think we figured it out_  
> _I’ll fill you in on the details later but we have to do this ASAP_

Todd texted back right away.

> _great!_  
_> why do i have a feeling theres a catch? _

_> there’s always a catch _  
_> we don’t have time to figure out if there’ll be a psychic power surge from the shutdown _  
_> if there is it’ll take down anyone “holistic” on the west coast _

_> so Dirk and Amanda? _

_ >yeah, and maybe even you. pararibulitis? _  
_> best case scenario is coma or death _

_>...what’s the worst case scenario? _

_> a pararibulitis attack that doesn’t end until it kills you _

_> jesus. what do we do? _

_> like I said, it’s just a chance but we have to be careful anyway _  
_> I have neuroinhibitors on their way to you now, they’ll knock you out until it’s safe _

_> what about Mona? _

_> we think she’s been inert long enough that she doesn’t need them _

Todd would ask more questions later about who “we” was and how Farah was getting all of this information. For now, the “typing” icon just tortured him for what felt like an eternity until Farah finally sent the message.

> _Dirk isn’t going to like this_

_> i dont think he likes anything right now _

_> I don’t have time to explain, just don’t let him freak out and spiral _  
_> it’s old-school Blackwing tech, he won’t remember it fondly _

_> fuck _

_> take care of him, okay? _  
_> I’ll make sure you know what you need to do but this has to happen TODAY _

*

Todd was trying to figure out how to wake Dirk up to give him the news when the door buzzer did it for him. Both of them were startled by the noise; Todd wasn’t sure anyone had ever actually used the buzzer considering that clients never met them at the office and they’d never had any actual guests. He buzzed up the visitor, and opened his door to a girl in a hoodie carrying a single Chinese food takeout box.

Shit, Farah worked fast.

He took the box from her with a knowing nod and she was gone; Todd would have to figure out how to thank her later. For now, all he knew was that he had to proceed carefully.

“What’s that?” Dirk asked, joining Todd at the door to inspect the box. Todd didn’t let him open it.

“You might want to sit down,” he said, and Dirk did so, climbing back onto the couch and looking confused. “Farah texted me a few minutes ago. They’re taking down the device today but they’re afraid there will be feedback that hurts us. We have to knock ourselves out with what’s in that box.”

A look of comprehension and then despair dawned on Dirk’s face. “No,” he said, backing away from the box on the table as if the extra physical space would somehow change what needed to happen.

Deciding it was better to rip off the band-aid, Todd opened the box and pulled out two cylinders that could best be described as looking vaguely like Todd’s old roommate’s EpiPen, but without any labels. Dirk covered his mouth in horror, eyes wide and shining.

“We have to use these,” Todd started. “They-”

“I won’t do it,” Dirk said, voice wavering dangerously. “I would genuinely rather die.”

Todd sat down next to him and took his hand. “Dirk, I have to use it too. My pararibulitis puts me at risk, same as you. We can do it together.”

Dirk shook his head vehemently. “No,” he said again. “Anything but that. There has to be another way.”

“There’s no time,” Todd said. “Dirk, I need you with me on this.” His phone rang before Dirk could respond. “It’s Amanda,” he said, and Dirk gestured for him to answer. Reluctantly, he did.

“Hey Todd,” Amanda said. “Farah said to call you. They’re going to do the thing at 2pm so we all need to be out by then.”

Todd looked at the clock. 1:55. “Shit,” he said. “How are you guys?”

“Not gonna lie,” Amanda said, “I’m pretty freaked. The Rowdies aren’t happy about it, apparently they used these neuroinhibitor things as some kind of torture back in the earlier days of Blackwing. It was meant to ‘stabilize’ them and make them more cooperative but it just knocked them all out. Blackwing would use that chance to do experiments on them that they couldn’t have done to someone conscious.”

Todd looked over at Dirk, who had pulled his knees into his chest and was staring at the coffee table like the neuroinhibitors might attack him at any moment. “Jesus christ,” he said. “Look, I need to take care of Dirk or this isn’t going to happen here. Take care of yourself, okay?”

“I think we’ve gotten blackout drunk enough times to handle it,” Amanda said, and Todd smiled a little bit even though he could hear her sniffling faintly on the other end of the line. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Unlike Todd, Amanda had always been a bad liar. Still, Todd took it for the comfort it was meant to be and said, “I love you, Amanda.”

“I love you too,” she said, and the line went dead.

Todd set his phone down and slid as close to Dirk as he physically could. They only had a few minutes. “It has to be now,” he said. “You jump, I jump, remember?”

Dirk inhaled sharply, and leaned in to kiss Todd. It was fierce, like Dirk might never get the chance again, and the reality of the situation was that he might not. Todd kissed back and didn’t notice Dirk reaching for the neuroinhibitors until one was pressed against his leg, a pinpoint of pressure that came almost simultaneously with a fog of disorientation. He tried to say something, anything, but his mouth wasn’t working right.

Dirk jamming the other one into his own leg was the last thing Todd saw before the world went black.


	4. IV

When Todd woke up, everything was dark.

At first he thought something had gone horribly wrong, heart racing until he realized that it was just nighttime and that he was still on the couch exactly where he’d blacked out. He felt like he’d just been through the worst bender of his life; his muscles complained when he tried to sit up and he had to pause for a minute to let the nausea pass. His head was throbbing like it was inside Amanda’s kick drum during a particularly angry jam. It was only the small groan and shifting movement from the other side of the couch that really motivated Todd to take action.

“Dirk!” he said, a little too loudly judging by their twin groans at the noise. “Dirk,” he tried again, softer. “Hey, Dirk, are you okay?”

Dirk sat up next to him. “Am I dead?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Are you dead?”

“My head hurts too much for me to be dead.”

“Then yeah,” Dirk said, slumping over again, “I’m fine.”

By that point Todd could pinpoint the exact moment Dirk fell asleep, and knew he was out. Alive but asleep was preferable to the alternative he guessed, and he was trying to find his phone when it rang from underneath him.

“Amanda!” he said excitedly when he picked it up.

“Dude,  _volume,_ ” Amanda said. “I take it you and Dirk are okay?”

Todd massaged one of his temples with the hand not holding his phone. “We’re alive, at least. Dirk went back to sleep though, does that mean it didn’t work?”

“It worked,” said Amanda, without hesitation. “I can feel it. We might take Vogel to Ikea later to test it out, but even though I feel like I felt at 3am the night of my 21st birthday I feel… charged up. Connected.”

Todd laughed quietly. “Didn’t you get sent to the hospital with alcohol poisoning that night?”

Amanda laughed too. “I said I felt connected, not good. The Rowdies all feel the same. We’re going to need some serious hair of the dog to get through this hangover.”

“What then?” Todd asked. Part of him would always hope she would say she was coming home to Seattle, even though he knew she never would.

“We’re thinking of branching out and exploring the southwest,” Amanda said. “We’re gonna hit Sin City first, then who knows? Maybe we’ll go to New Mexico and try to find some aliens.”

“Please god, no,” Todd said, but he was smiling. “I think what we all need is some peace and quiet.”

“Shut up,” Amanda said, “you hate when it’s quiet.”

She had a point. “Yeah, I guess I do,” Todd said, looking over to where Dirk was sleeping peacefully. He heard a crash, and then laughter in the background on Amanda’s end of the line and said, “Do you need to go?”

“Probably should,” she said. “But hey, I’m glad you’re not dead.”

It was one of the nicest things she’d said to him since he’d come clean about his pararibulitis. Todd grinned. “Me too. Take care of yourself, okay?”

“You too,” Amanda said. “Both of you. I’ll see you around, loser.”

With a click she was gone. Todd knew it wasn’t the last he’d hear from her, but accepted that he might not hear much for at least a little while. On a whim he checked their Instagram. Six tired but happy faces filled his phone screen, and he knew she’d be alright.

Rather than try to turn a light on, Todd just crawled up the couch, flopped on top of Dirk, and went back to sleep.

*

The warm light filtering in through the window was the first thing Todd noticed the next time he woke up, and Dirk shifting underneath him was the second. Dirk blinked against the light and looked down at Todd, who hadn’t moved from his position on Dirk’s chest all night.

“Hey sleeping beauty,” Todd said, voice scratching over the words. “How are you feeling?”

“About 83% less dead,” Dirk said, “but not quite human yet.”

Todd laughed. “Same,” he said. “Any news from the universe?”

“I can feel it,” Dirk said, sounding more relieved than Todd had ever heard him. “I think… I think it’ll be okay. There’s just one thing that’s not quite right.”

“What is it?” Todd asked, trying to figure out what could have gone wrong.

Dirk smiled sheepishly at him. “If I’m Sleeping Beauty, aren’t we supposed to kiss?” Without saying anything else, he leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to Todd’s mouth, and Todd was overwhelmed. They were alive, and even though he felt like the time he’d given himself a concussion following Dirk through a playground, he wasn’t hallucinating.

“You hungry?” he asked.

“Absolutely famished.”

*

They ordered pizza. Todd felt like he hadn’t eaten in weeks, and judging by the way Dirk was inhaling his pineapple bacon he felt the same. The apartment was a wreck; takeout boxes, beer bottles, and plates covered every flat surface within reach of the couch and were threatening to overrun the kitchen completely. Blankets were all over the floor where they’d been tossed off during various nightmares, and assorted cords and chargers were tangled in a mess that might actually be impossible to sort out.

Todd felt good though, or at least as good as he could with a massive hangover. He understood why Dirk had been so afraid to use the neuroinhibitors, he couldn’t imagine having them used against him on a regular basis even without the medical experiments that had gone with it. Once again, he marvelled at Dirk’s bravery.

He filled Dirk in on Amanda and the Rowdy 3, and not long after that Farah called. She was coming home to Seattle and would be there within a few days. She needed to wrap things up with Carrie and local law enforcement, but the nine hour drive back to Washington was nothing compared to how far away she’d felt before.

“I guess we should clean this place up then,” Dirk said, looking around at the disaster that was Todd’s apartment.

“Now?” Todd complained. “Don’t we get like, a free pass for surviving the holistic apocalypse?”

“You’ll feel better once it’s done,” Dirk said, standing up. Todd was torn between relief that Dirk seemed to have energy again and despair that he was going to have to clean. “Look, we’ll put on some music and then it’ll be over, I promise.” He crossed the room to Todd’s stereo and rifled through the CDs stored next to it. He popped one into the tray and let the heavy beat of Todd’s 2003 punk mixtape fill the room.

“Fine,” Todd reluctantly agreed, and bit by bit they started to chip away at the mess.

It turned out that Todd didn’t actually have garbage bags, so Dirk went downstairs to the office to get the box they knew was there. When he came back he was grinning.

“Mona’s okay,” he said triumphantly. “I didn’t get to talk to her or anything but the new disco ball hanging above my desk suggests that she’s feeling pretty good.”

Todd sighed in relief. “That’s amazing,” he said. “Do you think that means other Blackwing subjects will be okay?”

“I don’t know,” Dirk said, “but I have a good feeling about it.”

*

They cleaned up the grossest stuff first, starting with all of the food that had gone bad while they were focused on other things. They’d never actually washed some of the dishes from the very few times Todd had tried to cook, and ended up opting to just throw them away than sanitize them. They were working on the beer bottles when Todd spilled one all over himself.

The beer was cold, but then Todd felt it start to burn, the sensation getting worse until he finally looked down and saw his shirt dissolving and the skin under it being eaten away by some kind of acid. He dropped to his knees with a scream, trying desperately to pull his shirt off.

“Todd?” Dirk asked from across the room before fully realizing what was happening. “Shit,  _Todd._ ” He was at Todd’s side in a second.

“I’m having an attack,” Todd said, voice shaking as he watched his skin start to blister. “Dirk, my pills.”

“Right, right,” Dirk said, rushing to the bathroom to get a bottle. They hadn’t been keeping them nearby at all times like they usually did since the attacks had stopped during the power outage. He rushed back, shaking a few pills into Todd’s hand and handing him a glass of water so Todd could take them. He did, and eventually the pain subsided and Todd could see that his shirt and his skin were all intact and let Dirk help him up, still shaking a little.

“I almost forgot what that was like,” he said, not fully letting go of Dirk once he was standing.

“I’m sorry,” Dirk said, not letting go either. “It never occurred to me that me getting better would mean you feeling worse.”

Todd pulled Dirk in for a hug, an unexpected gesture judging by the surprised breath Dirk sucked in. “We’re both alive, that’s pretty much the best possible outcome.”

The 2003 punk mixtape chose that moment to end, and the silence while the stereo changed CDs was awkward enough that Dirk pulled away stiffly. “Right,” he said. “And look, we’re almost done.”

He wasn’t wrong. The apartment was probably even cleaner than it had been before Todd and Dirk had set up camp on the couch. All that was left really was to consolidate the garbage and take it out back to the dumpster. As Todd rounded up the boxes full of glass bottles and Dirk pulled together the bags of trash, Todd realized what CD the stereo had changed to.

“I like this band,” Dirk said, almost like he was reading Todd’s mind.

“This is Mexican Funeral.”

Dirk’s eyes lit up. “You’ve never played them for me before.”

It was true; while Todd did still listen to their old demos sometimes, he avoided playing them for other people. After he’d broken up the band it had all felt too raw, too personal, and after a while it had only made him feel ashamed. He’d been easing back into it though, and he had to admit that some of the tracks were the best he’d ever composed. He didn’t play much anymore, and he was starting to miss it.

Dirk, meanwhile, had fully immersed himself in the song. He was alternating between air drums and air guitar and Todd couldn’t stop the grin that overtook him.

“Wait, hold on, let me play you another one,” Todd said, moving to the stereo and clicking through the tracks. “The Boy Cries You A Sweater Of Tears is my favorite, it’s one of the first ones we recorded.”

Dirk listened intently, starting to bob his head a little as the rhythm picked up, and by the time they hit the one minute mark, he was all out dancing. Todd had a feeling that it wasn’t just the song; Dirk was obviously thrilled to be alive and feeling like himself and the fact that no one was trying to kill them was a huge bonus. Still, he very clearly loved the music, and Todd felt his heart soar.

For the first time in a very long time, he felt like he could write a song.

*

Dirk was quick to volunteer to take the garbage out, insisting he needed to remember what fresh air smelled like. Todd probably needed that too, but the effects of the neuroinhibitors combined with a full day of cleaning were starting to wear him down. Maybe they’d go for a walk in the morning, once they’d had another night to sleep it off.

That thought brought up a question that Todd had been trying to avoid; where was Dirk going to sleep? There was no real reason for him to stay with Todd anymore so if he did it would be a clear sign that he wanted something to happen. The only time Todd had been alone since all of this had started had been when Dirk was asleep, but he somehow still wasn’t ready for Dirk to go. Todd decided to be honest with himself for once in his life, and finally admitted that he wanted Dirk to spend the night, he wanted something to happen, and he wanted it to keep happening. He wanted Dirk.

The real question was whether or not Dirk wanted him. It had been a truly insane few weeks and while Todd was thrilled that he’d been there to help Dirk through it, there was a good chance that Dirk had just been clinging on to whatever was comfortable and familiar. He’d never had anyone to take care of him before and everything that had happened with Todd could just be the result of his confusion. Maybe in the heat of the moment he hadn’t been able to tell the difference between affection and attraction.

Dirk walking back into the apartment interrupted his thoughts. “It’s beautiful out there,” he said. “Invigorating, refreshing, and dare I say it’s even revitalizing. I already feel better.”

“Great!” Todd said, a little too cheerily. He looked around the now-spotless apartment and asked, “So, what’s next?”

“Oh,” said Dirk, like he hadn’t even thought about it. There was probably a good chance it hadn’t even crossed his mind. “I guess… I’ll go downstairs?”

“Cool,” Todd said, even though it was not cool with him at all. “Yeah, so I guess… goodnight?”

Dirk furrowed his brow in a way that Todd knew he was trying to align pieces of a puzzle that didn’t match up. “Right,” he said slowly. “Well, goodnight.”

Dirk slipped out the door and Todd was left suddenly, unmistakably alone.

*

Todd started pacing the apartment as soon as Dirk left. At that point he was no stranger to the act, and it helped him think. He was trying to sort out the confusing jumble of conflicting thoughts; _I want him, he didn’t mean it, I don’t deserve him even if he did_. None of it helped. A reflexive glance at his phone confirmed two things: Dirk hadn’t texted him, and he’d been at it for forty-five minutes.

Closing his eyes, Todd took in a deep breath through his nose and exhaled through his mouth. It was some mindfulness bullshit that Farah had tried to get him to do, but he’d never bothered before now. It helped, at least a little bit. Todd realized that he was so used to hedging his bets, watching everything play out before he made a move, that he’d stopped taking initiative. Dirk, on the other hand, didn’t do anything by halves. It occurred to Todd that he’d never actually kissed Dirk, he’d just waited for Dirk to kiss him.

Dirk _had_ kissed him, multiple times, and Todd would be lying to himself if he said he hadn’t felt… something. There was a reason Dirk had reached out, there was a reason Dirk had come back again and again. Todd couldn’t help but think about Dirk’s head on his shoulder on the couch or Dirk dancing to his music or the way Dirk had kissed him before he knocked them both out. It felt real. It _was_ real.

Christ, Todd was a fucking idiot.

He was out the door and pounding down the stairs before he could second guess himself. He paused briefly at Dirk’s door, not sure if he should knock or just walk in, but the decision was made for him when it flew open and revealed a rather startled Dirk on the other side.

“I was just coming to see you,” Todd said.

“I was just coming to see _you_ ,” Dirk replied.

A second ticked by, and then Todd muttered “fuck it” under his breath and grabbed Dirk by the front of his shirt, pulling him in for a kiss that made Titanic seem pathetic. Dirk’s small gasp told Todd it wasn’t expected, but the way he kissed back told him it was most definitely welcome. They stood there, making out in the hallway, until Todd couldn’t breathe anymore and had to pull away.

“Do you want to come in?” Dirk asked, still just a little bit hesitant.

“More than anything.”

*

They settled on Dirk’s couch, which was considerably nicer than Todd’s, but Dirk stayed close, hovering in Todd’s space until Todd linked their arms, drawing them closer. Todd turned his head to look at Dirk; he was flushed slightly pink and his blue eyes were so wide Todd thought he might drown in them. He kissed Dirk again, softly but lingering, and sat back.

“I’m sorry that took so long,” he said finally.

“It’s barely been an hour,” Dirk said, like Todd wasn’t making any sense.

“You know what I mean,” Todd said. “I didn’t get it. I just thought-”

Dirk didn’t let him finish. “You just thought what? That I wasn’t thinking clearly and instead was trying to cling to anything familiar?” When Todd nodded he continued, “I told you, the universe— present or not— had nothing to do with it. You’re too important.”

Todd was gripped by some emotion, joy maybe, or relief, or excitement, or any of the feelings he’d come to associate with Dirk. It had all of the intensity of a pararibulitis attack with none of the pain, and Todd hardly knew what to do with himself. He settled for launching himself at Dirk, kissing him hard while he basically climbed into his lap.

Dirk made a small noise of surprise but leaned right into it, hands settling on Todd’s waist where Todd was straddling him on the couch. Todd had just a little bit of extra height now, and Dirk had to tilt his head back, baring his throat. When Todd skimmed his fingers along Dirk’s jaw and down his neck, Dirk made a muffled noise that gave Todd a great idea. He bent his head, placing light kisses along the path his fingers had traced.

The noise Dirk made was probably the filthiest thing Todd had ever heard. It only served to highlight the restless movement of their hips and the fact that they were both getting hard, and Todd trailed his lips back up to Dirk’s jaw, sucking a mark behind his ear. Dirk’s hips twitched up hard, and Todd did it again.

“I dreamt about you, you know,” Dirk said breathlessly. “During the power outage.”

Todd pulled back slightly. “Like in your nightmares?” he asked.

“The one that wasn’t a nightmare,” Dirk said pointedly.

Todd thought for a second and flushed when he realized Dirk was talking about the first night he’d spent in Todd’s bed. “Yeah?” he asked, going back to Dirk’s neck and making his way towards his collarbone.

Dirk groaned but pulled himself together enough to say, “Mhmm. It was this, or something like this, and god, I’d never felt so good. You were all over me, and in me, and I couldn’t breathe for how badly I wanted it.”

“Fuck,” Todd said, rolling his hips down into Dirk’s in a way that made them both moan. “Do you still want that?”

“God, yes. Right now.”

They stumbled in their haste to get off the couch, Dirk dragging Todd to the bedroom by his collar. There was nothing romantic or suave about the way they undressed, just impatience and eagerness to fall to the bed together. Once they settled, Todd once again straddling Dirk, things slowed down a little. They started kissing each other with a slow but simmering burn behind it, one fueled by the skin-to-skin contact.

Dirk pulled away first. “I want-” he said, but had to take a second to remember his words. “I want what I said before.”

Todd pressed his forehead against Dirk’s. “Are you sure?”

“I have a really, _really_ good feeling about it,” Dirk said, whimpering a little bit.

Not one to disregard Dirk’s good feelings, Todd sat back, smoothing his hands up Dirk’s stomach and feeling it tremble underneath them. He’d done this, or something like this, a handful of times. Enough that he knew the mechanics, but not so many that he was confident he could make it good. Dirk trusted him though, so he had to try.

“I need-” he started, but Dirk cut him off.

“Bedside table, top drawer,” Dirk said quickly. “Under the red notebook.”

The bedside table was close enough that Todd was able to reach into the drawer and pull out a condom and some lube. “Did you know this was going to happen?” he asked.

“Call it a hunch,” Dirk said, and then they were laughing again, both of them relaxing until Todd felt comfortable sliding down Dirk’s body and settling between his legs.

He spread Dirk out, pressing biting kisses to the insides of his thighs until he was shaking minutely. Dirk made a mumbled noise of approval and canted his hips up in an obvious invitation, and Todd took a quick second to give himself a mental pep talk before warming some lube on his fingers and pressing in.

The moan that tore out of Dirk’s throat was certainly not one of discomfort, so Todd kept going. He tried to remember what had worked for him and replicated it when he could, but Dirk was having no problems taking what Todd was giving him. His breath was even but quick, and it would catch every time Todd did something he liked. Todd repeated anything that got him a particularly loud reaction, and when Dirk gasped out " _more”_ he slid a second finger in.

Getting Dirk ready was easy enough that Todd thought for sure he must be doing something wrong, but Dirk kept shifting, leaning into it, and Todd kept hitting all the right spots. It was like Dirk knew where Todd was going to touch him, and positioned himself to get there first. Before he knew it, Todd was being told to add a third. It wasn’t long after that that insistent hands were tugging on his hair, trying to get Todd to move back up his body.

“Jesus, Dirk,” Todd said, kissing him soundly. “Is this okay? Are you okay?” It was a question Todd hadn’t asked enough in his life, and he’d be damned if he slipped up with Dirk.

Dirk, for his part, already looked pretty wrecked. His forehead was damp with sweat and his pupils were blown, and there was a flush settling in over his cheeks and down his chest. Todd remembered the sound he’d made that first night, when he’d touched Dirk’s hair, and he did it again. Dirk made the same choked, desperate noise that he’d made then, and Todd kissed him again. 

“Now,” Dirk said, pushing at Todd’s shoulders to prompt him into action. “Todd, _please_.”

“Yeah, okay,” Todd said, scrambling to get the condom out of the wrapper. He’d never in his life been so desperate, he’d never needed anyone like this, and it was throwing him off. Eventually he was able to slide a condom on, slick it up with more lube, and line himself up. “Okay?”

The noise Dirk made wasn’t words exactly, but Todd was able to interpret the assent and pushed in. Dirk’s breath caught in his throat and released on the kind of moan that could make Todd lose it on the spot if he wasn’t already trying so hard not to do just that. He moved a little, a long slide out followed by a slow thrust back in, eyes locked on Dirk’s face for any sign of discomfort.

He didn’t find it. Dirk gasped and his hips twitched up into Todd’s and Todd wasn't able to stop the rough moan that tore itself out of his throat. When Dirk wrapped his legs around Todd’s waist he moved a little more freely, setting a loose pace of in and out.  

Todd had, admittedly, been kind of a slut for a while during his college years, but nothing he’d ever done had felt like this. It felt meaningful, important even. It was a borderline religious experience; not so much on the actual religion, but the devotion and reverence were all there. Todd had never felt anything like it.

Dirk was clearly enjoying himself. He was running his hands over Todd’s chest, looking at him like he was a treasure map that he wanted to memorize in case it was gone later. The realization that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he would stay until Dirk asked him to go, hit Todd like a brick, and he buried his face in the crook of Dirk’s neck. It took him a second to realize that Dirk’s hands had gone from caressing his shoulders to tapping at them lightly but insistently.

“Switch,” Dirk was saying breathlessly, but Todd was too far past a point where he could figure out what that meant. Sensing Todd’s confusion, Dirk said, “Switch places with me,” and before Todd knew what was happening, Dirk had locked his knees around his waist and rolled them over with a grace and strength Todd didn't know Dirk had. “Better,” Dirk said, settling in where he was now straddling Todd’s hips.

He rocked down experimentally, rolling his hips in a way that had Todd’s eyes rolling back into his head. It was good, so good, almost too good, and Todd wanted to make it last, make it amazing. The change in angle seemed to be working for Dirk too, who was working himself down onto Todd in languid circles.

“Dirk,” Todd groaned. “Fuck, Dirk, you’re killing me.” 

Dirk locked eyes with Todd and rocked down harder, leaning in for a kiss that dragged broken moans out of each of them. He moved quicker after that, the rolling of his hips more desperate than deliberate. He leaned in further, bracing himself up with his forearm on the pillow next to Todd’s head and his other hand gripping Todd’s chest, right above his heart. He was taller than Todd, tall enough that he was basically draped over him. It was almost too much.

When Dirk moved he must have hit something good, because his eyes went wide with a gasp. “Oh,” he said simply, and then “ _oh_ ,” when he did it again. His movements became frenetic after that, and Todd worked to get a hand between them. Their bodies were close and the angle wasn't perfect but he managed to close his fist around Dirk’s cock, and Dirk started to lose it. 

“Come on,” Todd encouraged him, his own willpower draining quickly. Dirk’s expression had changed to one of determination, the kind Todd had come to associate with something big happening. His free hand settled on Dirk’s hip, not to guide him but to tether himself to the moment.

“You too,” Dirk gasped, “come on come on _come on_ you too.”

Todd didn’t need to be told twice. He came hard, spine arching off the bed as it struck him, and felt Dirk come a split-second later. They caught their breath just in time to start laughing, the relived kind of laughter that only ever came after they’d survived something truly harrowing.

They were going to be okay.

*

They eventually moved, getting out of bed just long enough to clean up before climbing back under the blankets together. Dirk was pleasantly warm and had no problem tucking himself along Todd’s side. Todd settled in, running his hand through Dirk’s hair almost absent-mindedly. They didn’t say much at first, just sat comfortably and sleepily together, until Dirk broke the silence.

“I told you,” he said. Todd made an inquisitive noise and he continued, “The universe always takes me where I’m meant to be.”

Todd wasn’t sure he trusted the universe, but he trusted Dirk, and that was more than enough.


End file.
